Learning self-compassion – Nooga.com
Posted: July 30, 2017 at 2:31 pm
May we all practice self-compassion. (Photo: Vinoth Chandar)
Recently, during a journaling exercise, I listed characteristics that I find interesting and admirable in other people.
Next, stream-of-consciousness-style, I wrote qualities about myself. And when I reread my scribbles, I was surprised; the majority of the words on the page weren't positive.
They weren't terrible, and some were sort of neutral. It's not like I wrote "selfish, ignorant, horrible hobag" about myself. But my inner critic was all over the page.
It was jarring because I'd like to think that I'm fairly realistic about who I am and also that I have relatively healthy self-esteem.
I told my therapist about this, and she guided me through a practice. She asked me to think of a person or animal that I loved and valued unconditionally. My marvelous sister, Meghan, immediately came to mind.
Since the moment my sister was born, I've loved her in the sweetest, most special, practically indescribable way.
My therapist told me to think about that feeling and describe how it felt.
I struggled; I rambled words I don't remember, so she stopped me andasked me to feel it instead of trying to describe it.
I sat quietly and thought about Meghan. My chest filled with joy, comfort, ease, affection, gratitude, kindness. I was overcome with the most precious, pure love I can imagine.
Next, my therapist asked me to turn those feelings on myself.
Wow. That was something I'd never done. I had never thought about it like that.
This experience got me thinking about self-compassion, which is practiced through mindfulness.
So I sought out esteemed practitioners and teachers Janka Livoncova and Upasaka Paul to help me understand self-compassion.
"Compassion is a response to suffering,"Livoncova said.
Initially, I was confused, because I connected suffering to somethingheartbreakinga death, for example.
But I thought about it more and remembered that suffering is part of the natural human condition.
Eckhart Tolle discusses this in "A New Earth." He describes "our inherited dysfunction."
Much of this suffering comes from the stories we tell ourselves and reactions to situations.
Livoncova explained this to me using the analogy of getting hit by two darts.
A person is struck by a first dart.
"When you are struck by a dart, that's painful," she said. "That pain is inevitable. It hurts our body."
Then, the person is hit by the second dart.
With the second dart comes emotional pain.
Instead of taking the darts out and caring for the wounds, the mind starts spinning.
Who did this to me? Why is this happening? This is so unfair! I'm going to get whoever hit me with these darts!
My thoughts about what I wrote in my journal caused suffering, like the second dart.
Why did I just write these words about myself? What does this mean? I must hate myself deep down. This is an upsetting thing. This is something I need to fix.
That's a relatively simple example, but as I've written before, the thoughts in our heads are not our true selves, and the ego thrives on the negative stories we tell ourselves.
"There are so many ways we create our own suffering," Paul said. "It's not necessarily that we are doing that purposely ... We live with this notion that the way out of suffering is to keep in all the good stuff and keep out the bad stuff."
Livoncova and my therapist echoed these ideas. We don't like to be uncomfortable. We definitely don't want to suffer.
My mindfulness practice has helped me identify negative self-talk. But I generally catch myself in midthought. And, more often than not, I judge myself for having the thoughts.
Livoncova said that judgment is an attempt to avoid suffering, but it only adds to it.
I've been working on mindfulness and meditation for years now, and I still struggle with a central part of the practice: acceptance.
"The experience of compassionit's acceptance of everything as it is," Paul said.
It's accepting that you've been hit by two darts. It's treating and enduring the reality of the situation in each moment.
"It feels unbearable, but I can be with everything for one breath,"Livoncova said. "It's when we say ... 'I cannot bearthis' [that suffering comes]."
The good news, which bothLivoncova and Paul noted, is that, through practice, we can become more compassionate toward ourselves and others.
I think the reason I've struggled with this so far is because I was thinking too much. I was struggling to find the answer with my brain.
"Mindfulness cannot be ... learned by reading a book or talking about it,"Livoncova said. "Through experience, it can be realized."
Paul also expressed that practicing compassion is more about the feeling. We may use words to try to describe the experience, but we should practice turning our attention to the feelings, just as my therapist had me do.
One of the meditation practices that can cultivate compassion is loving-kindness, which I wrote about here.
The words said and thought during this type of practice may vary. And although it's nice to think that if we just repeat the words, self-compassion will somehow appear, that's not how it works.
"It's not about saying the words, it's about the experience," Paul said.
The reminder to focus on the feelinglike the wonderful sensation I have when I think about my sisteris paramount.
I can easily summon that fondness and warmth when I think about her.
So, if you need me, I'll be practicing sitting with that feeling and directing it toward myself.
What would happen if we all learned to do that?
The opinions expressed in this column belong solely to the author, notNooga.comor its employees.
Original post:
Learning self-compassion - Nooga.com
- Make Time for Reading With This Discounted Book Summary Library - PCMag.com - December 28th, 2020
- The most important thing to do this holiday season - Houston Chronicle - December 28th, 2020
- 4 Crucial Lessons I Learned While Recovering From COVID-19 - mindbodygreen.com - December 28th, 2020
- Anushka Sharma's powerful post on having male child: Don't think of it as a PRIVILEGE - India TV News - October 3rd, 2020
- Sofa Reyes on the Last Time She Was Starstruck and the Last Thing She Watched on Netflix - POPSUGAR - October 3rd, 2020
- Indian dance classes on Zoom lifted the heaviness Id been carrying - The Guardian - October 3rd, 2020
- 17 celebrities who are expecting babies in 2021: from wildlings to royals - The National - October 3rd, 2020
- Anushka Sharma to Amy Jackson: Actresses who showed off their baby bumps in swimsuits - Times of India - October 3rd, 2020
- Watch: Anushka Sharma satisfies her pregnancy cravings with some french fries - Times of India - September 24th, 2020
- Why I'm addicted to self-help books - The Guardian - September 24th, 2020
- Ask an Expert: Whats the secret to dealing with the first-tee jitters? - Golf.com - August 23rd, 2020
- 10 Books That Can Help You Stay on Top of a Rapidly Evolving World - The Good Men Project - August 23rd, 2020
- CNY Inspirations: Take a seat and observe - syracuse.com - August 20th, 2020
- 2020: The Year of the Solo Artist - noho arts district - August 20th, 2020
- A glam summer escape in Oxfordshire that might just convert the most sceptical of camper - Telegraph.co.uk - August 20th, 2020
- The Thread of Your Existence - The Good Men Project - August 20th, 2020
- Virtual happenings at the Great Neck Library - Community News - The Island Now - June 9th, 2020
- 'The Call To Unite': Oprah Winfrey kickstarts live stream event and fans can't wait for Avril Lavigne to join - MEAWW - May 5th, 2020
- My Life in the Age of COVID: Event Planner Bryan Rafanelli - Boston magazine - May 5th, 2020
- Eckhart Tolle & COVID-19: Some much needed Words of ... - April 26th, 2020
- The writings on the page - The Hindu - April 26th, 2020
- Tracee Ellis Ross Is Here to Soothe Your Frazzled Nerves - W Magazine - April 26th, 2020
- Your Life as You Know It Has Ended Here's Why You Shouldn't Let That End Your Life - Thrive Global - April 26th, 2020
- Clueless, Good Girls, and . . . The Weeknd? Selena Gomez's Surprising Entertainment Suggestions - Yahoo Lifestyle - April 26th, 2020
- A Refreshing View - The Good Men Project - March 27th, 2020
- The age wave and life transitions | Investment Coach | thecrier.net - Dunwoody Crier - March 18th, 2020
- From Rejection to Success - Dr. Zinovia Dushkova Named as First Russian Woman to Renowned Watkins List of '100 Most Spiritually Influential Living... - March 4th, 2020
- Relationships: Portal to the Divine - Healing and Transformation - Beliefnet - February 16th, 2020
- RuPauls Drag Race UK: The Vivienne reveals the hardest lesson shes ever had to learn - Stylist Magazine - January 9th, 2020
- Get insights from the world's best business books in 15 minutes - Boing Boing - December 26th, 2019
- A Brief Query with Robert Kiyosaki - Think Realty - December 26th, 2019
- Masks and mindfulness | Opinion - The Daily Planet - October 24th, 2019
- I hate cats but I needed a mouser and fast - The Globe and Mail - October 20th, 2019
- Adversity Alchemy - Thrive Global - September 26th, 2019
- Eckhart Tolle - Amazon - September 9th, 2019
- 25 Inspirational Eckhart Tolle Quotes ... - Everyday Power - September 9th, 2019
- 33 Most Inspiring Eckhart Tolle Quotes (2019 Inspiration) - March 26th, 2019
- A 5-Day Retreat With Eckhart Tolle & Kim Eng | Omega - March 1st, 2019
- 6 Potent Teachings from Eckhart Tolle. | elephant journal - December 11th, 2018
- Eckhart Tolle 2018 Canadian Tour | I Am Genie - December 10th, 2018
- Eckhart Tolle's School of Awakening - November 17th, 2018
- Eckhart Tolle Awakening Tour | Dubai | I Am Genie - November 14th, 2018
- Eckhart Tolle Living a Life of Presence - Sounds True - October 31st, 2018
- Eckhart Tolle The Power of Now | The On Being Project - October 6th, 2018
- The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by ... - September 24th, 2018
- About - Eckhart Tolle | Official Site - Spiritual Teachings ... - September 20th, 2018
- Eckhart Tolle - amazon.com - September 20th, 2018
- Eckhart on Low Self-Esteem and Anxiety | by Eckhart Tolle - August 24th, 2018
- Eckhart Tolle Greece - April 12th, 2018
- An Evening with Eckhart Tolle in Calgary - Eventbrite - February 27th, 2018
- Eckhart Tolle - YouTube - January 1st, 2018
- 25 Inspirational Eckhart Tolle Quotes About Life, Love and ... - January 1st, 2018
- The Joy of Being - Eckhart Tolle Lake Louise - January 1st, 2018
- Eckhart Tolle (Author of The Power of Now) - September 20th, 2017
- Eckhart Tolle Living a Life of Presence - soundstrue.com - September 20th, 2017
- How to Process Pain at an Eminem Show - Noisey - September 4th, 2017
- See Donald Sutherland in MILTON'S SECRET, Screening at River Street Theatre - Broadway World - September 4th, 2017
- How to Process Pain at an Eminem Show - Noisey - Noisey - September 4th, 2017
- The Power of Now - Wikipedia - August 24th, 2017
- Eckhart Tolle TV | Bringing the Spiritual Teachings of ... - August 24th, 2017
- Eckhart Tolle - Barnes & Noble - August 24th, 2017
- 'I'm Going to Die in the Streets Alone': Talking with Comic Eddie Pepitone - VICE - August 24th, 2017
- In Focus | Lucy Valnicek - KelownaNow - August 18th, 2017
- Holy... - Scified - August 18th, 2017
- 15 ways to find your inner calm after the Bank Holiday Weekend ... - Independent.ie - August 13th, 2017
- Driving while Looking in the Rearview Mirror - Moneyshow.com (registration) - August 5th, 2017
- ISSUES OF FAITH: Gratitude crucial to a well-lived, -balanced life - Peninsula Daily News - August 5th, 2017
- Local artists will unveil their shared love of landscape at Ballydehob gallery show - Southern Star Newspaper - August 3rd, 2017
- Maui's Aloha 'Aina Ambassador: What it's like to be Pat Simmons, Jr. - MauiTime Weekly - August 3rd, 2017
- The Real Reason Why You're Easily Distracted Has Nothing To Do With Technology - Fast Company - August 3rd, 2017
- Using Our Relationships as a Template for Spiritual Practice - HuffPost - July 30th, 2017
- Packers: Tight end Martellus Bennett holds court in first practice - Beaver Dam Daily Citizen - July 30th, 2017
- Review: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time Is an Unexpected Source of Beauty and Invention - TheStranger.com - July 30th, 2017
- The Gift of Presence. - HuffPost - July 30th, 2017
- Unitarian Universalist Fellowship lists August events - Plattsburgh Press Republican - July 30th, 2017
- Hate your Seattle commute? Use it to your benefit - Seattle Times - July 30th, 2017
- OUR ANIMALS, OURSELVES: Use me, don't abuse me - Lake Placid News - July 30th, 2017
- The Power of Now Quotes by Eckhart Tolle - August 1st, 2016
- Eckhart Tolle on Being Yourself - Zen Moments | Zen Moments - July 20th, 2016
- Sleep Merging with the Source of Life with Eckhart Tolle - June 28th, 2016