When you think of the word assertiveness, who comes to mind? Yourself, your colleague, your boss or maybe your best friend?

Once you have imagined that person, what did they do that you would relate to assertive behaviour? The most common definition of assertive behaviour is simply the ability to say no to someone. But is that it? Can we say yes and be assertive at the same time?

If assertiveness is pushed too far, it turns into aggressive behaviour. The other end of the spectrum is submissive behaviour. Assertiveness is finding the balance between these two ends of the spectrum. In other words, how do we say no without being aggressive or how do we say yes without being submissive?

In order to be truly assertive, we need to understand not only our position (what do we want, what do we need) but also the position of our counter-partner (what are their expectations towards us, what do they need). Only by being able to put ourselves in their shoes can we rely on the fact that we will act assertively and not aggressively.

It is rather obvious that there is not enough space for empathy when we talk about aggressive behaviour. People who act aggressively want to determine the outcome;not only for themselves but also to push others to do what is important for them, without asking themselves if there is a win-win situation possible.

When we are being submissive, we are more sensitive to being liked by our partner (boss, colleague) or putting their needs before our own.

The key to assertiveness is expressing your own wishes and needs or saying no in such a way that it does not offend the other party. Once we respect others and see their point of view, the chance thatwe will offend them is small.

But again, as in the case of empathy, it is a double-edged sword. In order not to be perceived as aggressive, we need to respect others. However, in order to not be submissive, we need to respect our own needs and wishes as well.

Which brings me to the third point self-awareness. We can only be assertive if we know what we actually want. Sometimes, we think that we know, but we dont. We often want others to like us, so we change our own thoughts and convince ourselves that things are good for us, even if they are clearly not.

Assertiveness is the art of consistently behaving in a way that is in line with our deeper self. And this deeper self is defined by our values, desires, needs and personality. In my previous article, you can find valuable tips on how to identify your own values.

Although many of us still think that assertiveness is only about caring about your own agenda, I strongly disagree. During one of my recent communication training sessions, the participants role-played many difficult dialogues between themselves and their boss, colleague, subordinate or client. In some of these dialogues, the participants were able to observe the key elements of assertive behaviour.

Next to the points mentioned above, one thing came across very strongly in this workshop, which is that people who are assertive care about their relationship with the other person, but not in a matter of undermining their own needs and position, but in a matter of searching for a win-win solution for a higher good of both parties, the company, the project, etc.

Since we care about our relationship, even when we have to say no, the main point is to find potential solutions. Solutions are constructive and bring us allies instead of enemies. Solutions show that we care.

Imagine the following situation. Your boss is asking you to work on an additional project and they underline that you are the employee with the most experience in the matter and they really want you onboard.

But you are already involved in a couple of other projects next to your daily job and youve decided that for the coming year, you are actually going to care more about your health and work-life balance. How do you say no?

Understand the situation of your boss, put yourself in their shoes for a moment and acknowledge that. So, you could say: Thanks for presenting me with this opportunity. I truly appreciate it. I understand how important the project is to you.

Voice your own needs / wishes whilst respecting the perspective of the other person. Talk about your own perspective too. This year, I have taken on three new projects already and I have promised myself that for now, I won't take on any new projects.

Think of what is important to you and why. I feel that in order to be fully involved in any new project, I want to give only my best self (value = excellence / quality), since I have mentioned that I am involved in other projects as well, my time and energy is limited at the moment (value = health / life balance), therefore I need to say no to this project.

Think of a solution, to maintain a good relationship with your boss. There are two other great colleagues from my team that I would love to recommend for this project. I know that they would be very interested in participating, it would be a great chance for them to gain more experience and they are really motivated to learn something new. And of course, if they have a question during the project, they can always ask me. What are your thoughts on this?

Assertive behaviour is definitely not a walk in a park and requires work on oneself, insight and willingness to take a risk. There is no guarantee that once you say no to your boss it won'tbackfire, but there is a certainty that if you always say yes, you eventually will lose yourself. This will impact your relationship with your boss, as you will most probably withdraw yourself from the relationship or become bitter.

So, now back to you. Do you find it easy to be assertive? What do you value about assertive behaviour? Feel free to share in the comments above.

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What does it mean to be truly assertive? - IamExpat in the Netherlands

In these febrile times, a new book on arguing with empathy is essential reading.

Many of us have seen relationships with friends, family members and work colleagues jeopardised or even destroyed by political differences. In the divisions that have arisen in the wake of the EU referendum vote, or the election of Donald Trump, such concerns are more pressing than ever. Our political climate has reached a point where to disagree politely is seemingly a lost art.

Authors Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay have tackled this problem in their latest book, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide. Their concern, quite simply, is how to communicate effectively with people who hold radically different beliefs. In an era of increasing polarisation, this book could hardly be timelier. Even prominent political commentators now routinely resort to ad hominem attacks and the kind of mischaracterisations of their opponents views that would see them fail the most basic course in critical thinking. Rather than just lament the woeful state of discourse, political or otherwise, Boghossian and Lindsay seek to do something about it.

Civil discussion is a skill like any other; it requires a grounding in the basics. Each chapter of How to Have Impossible Conversations moves us forward to potentially thornier encounters from straightforward disagreements with friends all the way through to rows with closed-minded ideologues. I have long been of the view that trying to reason with racists is futile, because theirs is a fundamentally irrational position. Boghossian and Lindsay have given me cause to reconsider through their meticulous analysis of how such conversations might go in practice. They offer the example of the musician Daryl Davis, who has successfully talked Ku Klux Klan members out of their delusions; they point out that he has a closet full of their relinquished hoods to prove it. And although I lack the ability or patience to achieve such feats, they have persuaded me that there are those for whom the effort is worthwhile.

For the majority of readers, the most valuable aspect of this book will be how to resolve conflicts of a more quotidian kind. How do we retain friendships in the face of seemingly irreconcilable differences? How do we begin to reinstate the value of discourse when so many prominent figures in the media and the political commentariat are so adamant that their opponents views are outside the Overton Window? Having read Boghossian and Lindsays cogent guide, I am now more convinced than ever that many of societys problems could be resolved if we simply learnt how to talk to one another.

First and foremost, we need to consider what we are arguing for. Do we really expect our intervention to prompt some kind of Damascene conversion? Is our intention to persuade or to demean? Boghossian and Lindsay are keenly aware that the purpose of argumentation isnt always to prove that we are right. There is considerable value in sowing the seeds of doubt in the minds of others. And even the most necessarily robust conversations can be stymied by a lack of empathy or compassion.

The capacity to guide others to the point of introspection is one well worth honing, but we are unlikely to achieve this if our approach is adversarial. This is why the authors offer numerous examples of how conversations with partners (rather than opponents) might be derailed, and how we can best avoid falling into traps. They draw on their own experiences Boghossian, for instance, has worked with prison inmates to help improve their critical-thinking skills and are not afraid to cite their own mistakes as examples of what not to do. As they point out, virtually everyone formulates most of their beliefs first and then subsequently looks for supporting evidence and convincing arguments that back them up. Having the self-awareness to recognise our own flaws is the first step to improving our ability to participate in civil discussion.

The authors advocate a return to the Socratic Method, a drawing out of ideas through the dialectical process. Too often we are guilty of treating an argument as an opportunity to enhance our status, to humiliate our rival, to convey a message, when we should be listening. The sociologist and philosopher Herbert Spencer begins his First Principles (1860) with a reminder that when passing judgment on the opinions of others, we should be on the lookout for the nucleus of reality that lies within even the most flawed proposition. In other words, we have something to gain from listening. This is what Boghossian and Lindsay mean when they suggest that there are times when it is best to switch the conversation to learning mode and ask questions.

One of the most important lessons of How to Have Impossible Conversations relates to our natural inclination to assume the worst motives in those who do not share our views. Boghossian and Lindsay draw on Platos Meno to reaffirm Socrates observation that people do not knowingly desire bad things. We all appreciate how frustrating it can be to have opinions and ideas we do not hold attributed to us by our detractors, so we would do well not to make the same error. If you must make an assumption about your partners intentions, Boghossian and Lindsay write, make only one: their intentions are better than you think.

This tendency to intuit motive is most commonly showcased on social media, which is as good a reason as any to avoid such platforms when it comes to contentious topics. On a public forum such as Twitter we are essentially performing to an unknown audience, and so disagreements can often escalate into a clash of egos. In such circumstances, emerging as victorious becomes more important than refining our ideas. Boghossian and Lindsay remind us that interactions on Twitter with those who have thrown insults, or who have refused to take ones arguments in good faith, are rarely productive. The amount of attention you owe anyone who insulted you on social media is zero, Boghossian and Lindsay tell us. Let them waste their time. Stop playing their game. Block or mute their accounts. That is to say, knowing when to walk away is just as important as knowing when to engage.

In lesser hands, this kind of self-help guide could so easily have become an instruction manual for the disingenuous and the manipulative. The authors acknowledge as much in chapter six when they offer advice to the reader whose conversational partner might also have read this book. How to Have Impossible Conversations avoids this pitfall through a continual emphasis on the importance of empathy. By reframing disagreements as collaborative, and urging us to reflect on our mistakes, Boghossian and Lindsay show us the benefits of mutual understanding and sober persuasion. There are few of us who would not profit from reading this superb book. In a febrile political climate, its always worth reconsidering our tactics.

Andrew Doyle is a stand-up comedian and spiked columnist. His book Woke: A Guide to Social Justice (written by his alter-ego Titania McGrath) is available on Amazon.

How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, by Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, is published by Lifelong Books. Buy it from Amazon (UK).

Picture by: Getty.

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Rat

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Birth years of the Rat: 1912, 1924, 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008

Next year of the Rat: 2032

According to TravelChinaGuide.com, the Chinese zodiac is ruthlessly ironic in the fact that the sign whose year it is tends to be the most out of luck. Since 2020 is the year of the Rat, people under this sign may feel like they have a dark cloud hovering over their heads. However, it is important to note that this is largely a matter of perspective. The year of the Metal Rat is filled with opportunities for success for everyone, so dont let anxiety or negativity ruin it for you. Feeling down on your luck? Try keeping these 11 lucky things in your home.

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Birth years of the Ox: 1913, 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009

Next year of the Ox: 2021

Those born under the Ox sign are dependable and strong, but sometimes their steadfastness makes them a bit stubborn. This can pose a problem during a year that is ruled by the Metal element since Metal is also tough and unwavering. Success and luck are still ready and waiting for the Ox in 2020, but people of this Chinese zodiac sign will need to be more flexible in order to attain great things this year. They may also want to make these 13 life-changing resolutions.

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Birth years of the Tiger: 1914, 1926, 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010

Next year of the Tiger: 2022

Described by Horoscope.com as powerful, adventurous, and passionate, the Tiger should enjoy great fortune in 2020. This year is all about the willingness to take the jump into new, unexplored territories, and the Tiger is ready to pounce. It will be a rock-star year for this sign, as long as they dont get involved in too many high-risk scenarios and get in over their heads. Find some more ways to boost your luck in the new year with these 20 lucky traditions.

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How 2020 Will Go Based on Your Chinese Zodiac Sign - Reader's Digest

Fikayo Tomori is living out his dream as a Chelsea player and has been one of their standout success stories this season.

The 21-year-old centre-back has been one of the beneficiaries of Frank Lampard being named as Blues manager at the start of the season.

Getty Images - Getty

He was with Lampard on loan at Derby last season and was named their player of the year, ahead of team-mate Mason Mount.

And after his performances this campaign, a tweet from seven years ago surfaced that showed just how much being a Chelsea player means to him.

He wrote: Been at Chelsea since I was 8. Now I am 14, 6 years and this is just the beginning. Dream; Believe; Achieve.

There are certainly comparisons that can be drawn with John Terry, who made his Chelsea debut 20 years ago this week.

He has already established himself as a first-team regular at the Blues and is set for his 12th appearance of the season against Watford on Saturday, which is live on talkSPORT.

Tomori is different and here at talkSPORT.com we have taken a look at what sets him apart from the rest.

The defender was born in Calgary, Canada, and is also eligible to play for Nigeria through his parents but has committed to play for England.

Tomori went completely under the radar with our national coaches and was actually playing for Canadas Under-20s against England when they were alerted to his talent.

He kept an 18-year-old Marcus Rashford quiet all night at the Keepmoat Stadium in March 2016, when the striker had recently scored the winner in a Manchester derby and netted twice in his Premier League debut against Arsenal.

Tomori never played for Canada after that and an Under-20 World Cup winners medal soon followed with England.

Former Canada Under-20s coach Rob Gale told the BBC: I did find it strange that he hadnt been looked at at any age group with England, but straight away you could see he was eager to learn, had a great self-awareness and was a very level-headed kid.

Getty Images - Getty

Even while on loan at Derby last season he went a little under the radar with Mason Mount the player who was making the headlines.

The fact he was named their Player of the Season, as they lost out in the Championship play-off final, speaks volumes for his character.

The weekend starts with talkSPORT where SIX games are live across the network

Barnsley vs Bristol City (Friday, 7.45pm) talkSPORT 2

Bournemouth vs Man United (Saturday, 12.30pm) talkSPORT

Wigan vs Swansea (Saturday, 12.30pm) talkSPORT 2

Arsenal vs Wolves (Saturday, 3pm) talkSPORT 2

Watford vs Chelsea (Saturday, 5.30pm) talkSPORT

Charlton vs Preston (Sunday, 12pm) talkSPORT 2

Most young footballers spend a lot of time playing video games while away from training.

There is of course nothing wrong with that but Tomori is slightly different from the rest as he is studying for a business management degree with the Open University.

Football is not going to go on forever, Tomori revealed while on England duty in October. Whenever I retire, or if I get an injury I have something Im working towards that can stand me in good stead for the future. I spend about eight to 10 hours a week, reading all the time, trying to learn new things.

Getty Images - Getty

Tomori has had a dream start to life in the Chelsea first team and has been repaying the faith shown to him by Frank Lampard.

He is already endearing himself to the fans because of his hard work and performances on the pitch.

Lampard revealed that he is a quiet person but was a popular figure in the Derby dressing room last season.

He said: He was quiet at Derby. He was quite quiet with me he wasnt quiet when they were all together. From a distance, he has definitely got personality.

The weekend starts with talkSPORT where SIX games are live across the network

Barnsley vs Bristol City (Friday, 7.45pm) talkSPORT 2

Bournemouth vs Man United (Saturday, 12.30pm) talkSPORT

Wigan vs Swansea (Saturday, 12.30pm) talkSPORT 2

Arsenal vs Wolves (Saturday, 3pm) talkSPORT 2

Watford vs Chelsea (Saturday, 5.30pm) talkSPORT

Charlton vs Preston (Sunday, 12pm) talkSPORT 2

And that group last year, the group he was in at Derby, he became very popular in the dressing room and popular with the fans because of his performances.

He was Player of the Year. The progression was huge but the main thing I saw in him was work ethic. He quietly goes about his business. He trains hard, everything you ask him to do he tries to do and more.

Tomori does his talking on the pitch and if his career stays on his current trajectory there is no reason why he cannot be a Chelsea legend in the making.

Lampard added: How you train will relate to whether you get picked. Those are the rules here. You have to train at a level and he trained so well for a period of time he deserved it (his full debut). Then he gave me a big problem because he played so well and he has continued to do that.

Yes, he is a project in a way but a nice one because everything you want him to do, he stands up and delivers.

There are certainly comparisons to be drawn with John Terry, he was a man who delivered every time Chelsea needed him to.

Getty Images - Getty

Tomori revealed how he had broken the former Chelsea strikers nose when he was still a teenager in school.

He told Goal: I was actually still in school, and I didnt know I had done it in training.

It was an accident, we both went up for a header, and I had to flick the ball backwards and he tried to score.

He headed the back of my head and he broke his nose. I didnt know I had done it until the next day when it was all over the papers.

I was getting a lot of messages with people thinking I had meant to do it! It was mostly light-hearted, a lot of banter.

I got back to school and people were asking about it. I was in year 10 or 11 and my mates had all seen it.

It was alright. He didnt kick me in training after that.

Diego Costa could start a fight in an empty room, so it is nothing short of a miracle he escaped unharmed by this encounter.

Saturday is GameDay on talkSPORT as we bring you THREE live Premier League commentaries across our network, including Watford vs Chelsea at 5:30pm

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Fikayo Tomori: The driven and determined Chelsea wonderkid who can be compared to John Terry and once broke - talkSPORT.com

I've often thought that I can work from anywhere in the world. Although this is true and I have the privilege to be location-free because I mostly work remotely with my clients, I've realized how important it is to be in the right environment to be able to thrive or at least find balance.

Personally, I gain my energy from the ocean. This stems from my childhood, which I spent playing, surfing and then recharging in the sea. Today, the ocean is part of who I am. It's where I feel great and where I can be the best version of myself.

When I lived in Sweden, I complained all the time about the gray skies and the cold concrete surrounding me, while my colleague loved the cold and the functional urban environment. In other words, we all need different environments to thrive.

Your Physical Environment Can Affect You

The University of Minnesota's Earl E. Bakken Center for Spirituality & Healing lists some ways that our environment can affect us: It can encourage or discourage interaction, motivate us to act and influence our moods, which, in turn, can affect our energy, productivity and performance. So don't beat yourself up for not being as productive as you think you should be if you're not in the right environment to accomplish your goals.

That said, I'm not encouraging you to use your existing environment as an excuse for not being productive. No matter where you are, try to make the best of your environment. Whether you're in a nine-to-five job or work on your own schedule, aim to maximize your workspace. Making the best of what you have is actually having a growth mindset.

Four Steps To Finding Or Creating The Right Environment

1. Assess your current environment (your workplace, residence, city and country). Start by rating each according to your level of satisfaction. Rate from one to 10, with 10 being very satisfied.

2. Ask yourself what an environment with a nine rating would look like. Now envision it and specify the improvements and adjustments you need to make to achieve that.

3. Ask yourself what's preventing you from improving your workspace. Try to understand yourself better. Is it really impossible to be in the environment that you need? Sometimes the problem is internal. Maybe you've been procrastinating about choosing a better place because you're stuck in your comfort zone. Perhaps you're not making an effort to be more creative in structuring your environment because you feel helpless. Identifying these obstacles can help you take the next step.

4. Plan and start making changes. List the changes that you feel you need to make to create the right environment for your success. Sometimes, you don't even have to move to another place. You may just need to restructure your environment so that it encourages you to focus and make better decisions.

Tips For Restructuring Your Environment For Success

Try to create a space where you can be calm, focused and inspired. Structure your space in a way that makes you less likely to make bad decisions. That means it should be free from clutter and things that distract you.

If you can, work somewhere near a gym or a park where you can stay active. If that's not possible, then create a space in your work area where you can do indoor exercises from time to time. Exercise keeps your brain active and healthy. Research conducted at the University of British Columbia "found that regular aerobic exercise, the kind that gets your heart and your sweat glands pumping, appears to boost the size of the hippocampus, the brain area involved in verbal memory and learning."

Create an area where you can rest. Put nice pictures there and frame inspiring quotes to uplift you. Make this area warm and comfortable. According to Srini Pillay, MD, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, intelligent cognitive rest is the "secret to brain success." Training the "unfocus" network of the brain can boost memory, creativity and self-awareness. Exercises for cognitive rest include napping and positive constructive daydreaming.

Surround yourself with likeminded people who encourage you to do your best. The people you surround yourself with are part of your environment. Try to be around people who inspire you and motivate you to become better. These are people who are committed to their goals, who possess positive attitudes and who constantly seek answers and solutions to problems.

If you work remotely, choose a place where you can have a healthy social life. In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, belongingness comes before esteem needs and self-actualization. This means that your need to feel that you belong and that you are loved comes before your need to feel successful. Make time for social activities and for bonding with friends or family members. Meet up with other professionals in your area, or try working in co-working spaces. This will give you the opportunity to meet others who work remotely. Studies have shown that having a social support system not only helps you cope with stress, but it also improves mental health and self-esteem.

Whether you choose to be in a rural or urban area, try to keep your space as natural as possible. Add plants and let in sunlight. Researchers at Indiana University and Illinois State University have found that natural environments can help reduce stress levels and ultimately improve health.

Most importantly, create an environment where your heart feels full. Make your workspace a place where you feel comfortable pursuing your goals yet challenged enough to continue growing. This is the kind of environment that energizes you and makes you feel confident that you can fulfill your true potential.

Your work environment can affect your ability to achieve your goals. If you feel that your current environment doesn't support you, now's the time to change it. Assess it and make the necessary adjustments to improve your performance and productivity.

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How To Make The Best Of Your Workspace - Forbes

Oregonians with long memories have never forgotten Ma Anand Sheela, and people all over the world saw her in action thanks to the Netflix 2018 documentary, Wild Wild Country. Now, the former top aide to the controversial Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh is getting more Netflix attention as shes set to be the subject of a documentary filmed during her first trip to India in more than three decades.

The Associated Press reports that the documentary, scheduled to stream on Netflix India on a date not yet announced, follows Ma Anand Sheela as she visits the Rajneeshs cremation site in Pune, and also makes a trip to her family home.

When the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh and his followers came to Oregon in the early 1980s to establish a commune on the the site of what was then known as the Big Muddy Ranch, near Antelope, locals had strong reactions.

As the Rajneeshees exerted their influence in the area, many Oregonians were alarmed at the commune members free-wheeling behavior and the gurus habit of riding in Rolls-Royces, among other things. As the culture clash heightened, the goings-on at Rajneeshpuram, as the commune members had christened their Wasco County property, drew national media attention.

Tensions escalated to crimes, with the revelation that Ma Anand Sheela had been behind the 1984 mass food poisoning bioterror attack in The Dalles, which left more than 700 people ill after eating food contaminated with salmonella bacteria.

Ma Anand Sheela eventually served two years and five months in prison for attempted murder, arson, immigration fraud and the food poisoning in The Dalles. She was granted parole after 39 months and later made her home in Switzerland.

Related: Netflix documentary on Rajneeshees in Oregon revisits an amazing, enraging true story

The bizarre saga became internationally known years later, thanks to the Netflix documentary, Wild Wild Country, which recounted how the commune formed and collapsed amid the Bhagwans deportation from the U.S.

Related: Read The Oregonians original 20-part investigative series on Rajneeshees

According to the Associated Press, when she was asked about her past, Ma Anand Sheela replied, "I have nothing to apologize for."

-- Kristi Turnquist

kturnquist@oregonian.com 503-221-8227 @Kristiturnquist

Visit subscription.oregonlive.com/newsletters to get Oregonian/OregonLive journalism delivered to your email inbox.

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Ma Anand Sheela, of Oregons Rajneesh saga and Wild Wild Country fame, will star in new Netflix documentary - OregonLive

UNSHELTERED, by Barbara Kingsolver. (Harper Perennial, $17.99.) Two narratives, one set in the 21st century and one in the 19th, entwine in this novel about two familes that occupy the same house centuries apart. Each seeks elusive shelter as it reels from its own set of disruptions. Kingsolver has given us another densely packed and intricately imagined book, Meg Wolitzer wrote in these pages.

PALACES FOR THE PEOPLE: How Social Infrastructure Can Help Fight Inequality, Polarization, and the Decline of Civic Life, by Eric Klinenberg. (Broadway Books, $18.) Klinenberg, an N.Y.U. sociologist, argues that designing public building projects like streets and schools to maximize human connections solves a host of social ills. Anyone interested in cities will find this book an engaging survey, our reviewer, Pete Buttigieg, wrote.

COME WITH ME, by Helen Schulman. (Harper Perennial, $16.99.) Set in Silicon Valley and Fukushima, Japan, Schulmans sixth novel centers on a long-married couple, the parents of three children, who plunge into real-world and cyber experiences that shake the foundations of their staid, affluent life. Our reviewer, Stephen McCauley, called the book strikingly original, compelling and beautifully written.

NINE PINTS: A Journey Through the Money, Medicine, and Mysteries of Blood, by Rose George. (Picador, $18.) This exploration of that crucial bodily fluid encompasses the ancient practice of bloodletting, the lucrative market in plasma transfusions and the authors harrowing personal experiences. The Timess Dwight Garner applauded Georges no-nonsense briskness and potent moral sensibility.

I AM DYNAMITE! A Life of Nietzsche, by Sue Prideaux. (Tim Duggan Books, $18.). This intimate biography of the sickly 19th-century philosopher who became an unwitting intellectual pillar of the Third Reich moves between his life, his published work and his personal writings. The Timess Parul Sehgal praised Prideauxs attentive, scrupulous portrait.

MEMOIRS OF AN EX-PROM QUEEN, by Alix Kates Shulman. (Picador, $17.) Published in 1972 and immediately embraced as a feminist classic, this reissued novel follows its heroine from teenage triumphs and humiliations in an Ohio suburb through snuffed-out ambitions and a disastrous marriage to a hard-fought kind of freedom, sexual and otherwise. Sasha Davis might well be a female cousin of Alexander Portnoy, Marylin Bender wrote in these pages.

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New in Paperback: Unsheltered and Come With Me - The New York Times

With the Halloween hullabaloo put to rest now, the nation will try on another way of being as it moves into our official and utterly noncontroversial season of thanksgiving.

This year, that preparation for me begins with reflections on the decorative little notebooks I have kept since I was a teenager to jot down quotes the words all around that spoke to me once and deserved rereading.

I compare this quote book collection to boxes of hand-dipped assorted chocolates. Some quotes taste as fanciful as strawberry buttercream filling and others as intense as dark chocolate truffles.

As in: A party without cake is just a meeting, according to Julia Child, American chef, author, and television cooking show pioneer.

On the next page, a thought from German philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche: Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.

Some quotes might as well be chocolate-covered dried apricots for their practical nourishment.

Founding Father Benjamin Franklin likely folded his spectacles and took leave of his desk after writing: Well done is better than well said.

Other quotes in these notebooks remind me of my favorite candy. That would be the old-fashioned, chocolate covered fairy candy also known as sponge candy, seafoam and angel food for its near weightlessness.

The body is a sacred garment, said Martha Graham, avant garde American modern dancer and choreographer.Finally, my quote collection includes mystery candy, such as the enigmatic question in the bible in John 1:38 where Jesus stops and turns to look at two guys trailing him.

What do you want? he asks.

But this handwritten collection lacks the quote I need now to capture my gratitude in time for Thanksgiving later this month.

A kitschy, Hallmarkesque version of what I have in mind appears on some wedding and birthday invitations when hosts request no gifts: Your presence is the present.

These words put clogs on the ballerina.

Still, it captures the gist of my gratitude. I am most thankful this year for the gift of presence Gods and everyones. But I am especially thankful for the returning presence of my youngest son, Ray, now 9.

Thirteen months ago our family, his teachers, our neighbors and church family watched him tumble into a stupor.

Some of you may remember when I wrote about this crisis a year ago during Rays overnight hospitalization to rule out meningitis, a brain tumor, and seizures as causal.

These tests failed to explain his catatonic demeanor, flat affect and deteriorating skills.

The low point came late one night as I shopped alone at Target for diapers more than five years after this boy with Down syndrome finally learned the last toilet training step locking the door behind him to take care of his business privately.

At his nadir over the holidays, Ray forgot how to zip his coat, failed to recognize my mom, and stopped playing with his toys.

No one in our extended family knew what to give him for Christmas.

Meanwhile, the psychiatrist at the Sie Center for Down Syndrome at Childrens Hospital Colorado in Aurora treated him with anti-anxiety medication and continued to speculate along with the psychologist that the essential Ray was still in there just on retreat for some reason.

May be the world got too big for this boy?

Then, in mid January, Ray just as inexplicably turned a corner. He became more present again just as photos developed in a dark room do from fuzzy to sharp, ever so gradually.

And as snow swirled outside that month I began picturing Rays recovery as a snow shoveling operation. With just a glimmer of his presence again, I began to hope that one day he could put his hand on a shovel and clear paths the blizzard in his mind closed.

This hope helped me appreciate the sacred side of snow shoveling as I watched Ray for the first time in a long time help my husband shovel after snowstorms this week.

Without the return of his presence, this boy would shiver in the cold.

For this reason, the simple scene the shovel scraping on concrete, the powder flying and landing in puffs confirmed the power of presence. Confirmed for me how it changes the landscape from the heavens to the earth.

Meanwhile, fresh thanksgiving over this big deal disguised as a small one led me to the quote I would like to hold longer: The violets in the mountains have broken the rocks, American playwright Tennessee Williams wrote.

Pam Mellskog can be reached at p.mellskog@gmail.com or at 303-746-0942. For more posts and photos, please visit timescall.com/mommy-musings-blog.

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Mommy musings: The sacred side of snow shoveling - Longmont Times-Call

This November the Davis Arts Center presents Art Box Sculptures, a solo exhibition featuring work by Jonathan C. Lewis that benefits the Arts Center. The exhibit includes approximately two dozen of his boxes mixed-media sculptures, most contained within a box and all born of a quote.

The exhibition will also challenge the viewer to write their favorite work and enter a drawing to win one of the unsold pieces at the end of the exhibit.

Art Box Sculptures runs Monday, Nov. 4, through Friday, Nov. 15. The Second Friday ArtAbout reception is from 6 to 8 p.m. Friday, Nov. 8. Lewis will be present during the free reception. All ages are welcome.

Lewis is somewhat self-deprecating when asked about his boxes. He states that its a misnomer to call him an artist he considers himself a glueist. Lewis shares that the art world calls his boxes mixed media or assemblage and others categorize the work as outsider or folk art. The boxes have a keen aesthetic, informed by decades of involvement with the arts.

In the 80s, he opened and curated the City Gallery in downtown Sacramento. It was also during this period that he encountered the shadow boxes of Joseph Cornell on display in the Chicago Art Institute work he says informed his boxes many decades later.

Each box is born of a statement. The sources are wide and varied from Michelle Obama, Paul McCartney and Gabby Douglas to Cassia Leo and Friedrich Nietzsche. Jonathan uses the statement as the basis of the resulting work. He starts arranging found objects in and around the base box.

He shares that he has a large collection of found ephemera, salvage or reclaimed objects which means that many days of the week I can be found rummaging through junkyards, thrift shops, yard sales and the occasional antique collectables fair.

Many of the boxes are infused with his quick wit and humor others are somber with the juxtaposition of objects forcing one to question the historic roles played by culture, politics and society.

There is yet another level of Lewis being a glueist, and that is in his professional life. Jonathan is a lifelong social justice activist and accomplished social entrepreneur who brings together people and ideas to improve the world. He is the founder of MCE Social Capital, a social venture organization that leverages $110 million of private capital to finance tiny business loans to deeply impoverished people, mostly women, in 46 developing countries.

Lewis is also the co-founder of Copia Global, an Amazon-like consumer catalog serving the base of the economic pyramid in Kenya. He is also the author of The Unfin sh d Social Entrepreneur.

Visit hiswebsite to see and learn more about his work.

Jonathan C. Lewis twine, wood, acrylic paint and paper piece String Theory will be part of his show Art Box Sculptures, on display in November at the Davis Arts Center.Courtesy photo

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Art Box Sculptures are much more than meets the eye - Davis Enterprise

Its 5.30 pm on 1 February 2020. The Union budget for 2020-21 has been presented, the panels microphones have been tested, and the studios cameras have gone live. Up for analysis is the Indian automobile sector.

Anchor: Gentlemen and lady, before I throw the discussion open, I want to personally congratulate the finance minister for a mature, growth-oriented and inclusive budget. It is a budget of the young, for the young and by the young. As the nation gets

Automaker chief executive officer: Butwe are here to discuss what the budget has done for the auto industry. We have been in the dumps for

Anchor: You will get your chance to speak, sir. Please do not disturb the flow of the debate. This 70-year long pessimism cannot be tolerated or encouraged anymore

Component maker CEO: Excuse me, weve been pessimistic only for the last 16 months.

Policymaker: Let me clarify. The world is undergoing a recession, but we have circumvented it. All data shows that. Key indicators are positive.

Component maker CEO: But what about the auto industry? This budget again offers too little and too late. BS6 is just two months away. Manufacturing is still crippled

Anchor: The data proves otherwise, sir.

Automaker CEO: Manufacturing has been down for long. Last quarter, it was flat. 5 biscuit packs and 3 tea pouches are still down. Look at undergarment and tooth powder sales.

Anchor: Please dont fuss over biscuits and briefs. You should focus on your business. The nation demands it.

Component maker CEO: Exactly, that is my point

Anchor: I will come to you later. The policymaker wants to make a point. Do you want to rebut the automobile industry?

Policymaker: Last budget, the sceptics had predicted that the industry will sink. But we are standing, every Indian is standing. We have overcome the global recession. As Nietzsche said, what does not kill us makes us stronger.

Car dealer: Stronger? Standing? A total of 483 dealerships have shut down, close to 36,000 people are out of jobs.

Component maker CEO: Seventeen plants have shut down. No fresh investment. Were operating at 65% capacity. Nearly half a million contract workers jobless till now.

Policymaker: Sorry, that data is unsubstantiated. Moreover, our think tank has released the report called New Age Employment For New India. There are 23 new opportunities being created. Those who lost jobs would have already got absorbed in these new streams.

Anchor: There, look at the positive side; jobs are back. We even have new entrants in the Indian market. Sir, you are a new entrant in India. Tell the viewers

New entrant country head: We Chinese. We assemble electric scooters here. Indian government very open to Chinese companies now. We appreciate Make in India policy.

Millennial: Excuse me.

Anchor: Please wait for your turn, young lady. The policymaker has a point.

Policymaker: Me? Okay. While on Nietzsche, he who has a why" to live, can bear with almost any how".

Banker: May I have a word in?

Anchor: No. Yes, you are the moneybags

Banker: We have always supported nation building, gone out of our way to fund dealers operations. Also, we are charging no loan processing fees for months now. Automakers produced a lot the last year, and pumped it all into the pipeline. The network hardly had any working capital to fund the inventory.

Anchor: Why was that?

Banker: Well, quite a few had invested their money in real estatehotels and resorts. And then the sector tanked.

Anchor: Oho! So, they were all diverting money from one business to another and now acting helpless. You want the government to bail you out? This is totally unacceptable!

Banker: Not all of them, actually.

Anchor: Ones misdeeds cannot force the government to its knees. You simply cannot blackmail policymakers to reduce taxes to cover up for your own follies.

Automaker CEO: I object to that. It is the industry that has been brought to its knees, and you need not break ones knees for that, you need to break the ankles. Taxation is the ankle.

Anchor: This knee and ankle bit is this also Nietzsche?

Automaker CEO: No, I made it up.

Anchor: Ha, posturing as usual. Lets stick to the point.

Component maker CEO: That is exactly my point. We are beating around the bush, without getting to the core GST, jobs, scrappage, BS6

Millennial: Excuse me

Anchor: Oh well, what is it?

Millennial: Could I leave? You guys sort this out. My Uber is waiting, and its getting dark.

Anchor: That does it! Hey, hold on...

Avik Chattopadhyay is co-founder of Expereal, a brand and business strategy firm

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Opinion | A panel discussion to expect after the next budget - Livemint