A familiar marketing device for shows involves creating a heightened illusion of taking the audience to another place.

For national touring illusionist Ivan Amodei, that promise is twofold.

Sure, his current show, Secrets & Illusions which makes its Northeast Ohio debut Oct. 20 at Playhouse Squares Mimi Ohio Theatre is set in Paris Louvre Museum.

However, less literally, the entertainer also is promising to empower the audience to do that one thing that theyve always wanted to do but were afraid. Perhaps for some attendees thats going to the actual Louvre or maybe jumping out of an airplane.

Whatever their wishes may be, one-part illusionist, one-part life coach Amodei hopes to inspire folks to eliminate their secrets and illusions in an effort to become their fulfilled self.

My style is not sawing people in half, said Amodei, calling from Southern California. My style is about uplifting people and doing a show where each illusion has a deeper message. Its kind of lowkey, where youre actually enjoying the ride, but at the end, maybe theres a message.

For instance, were going to do an illusion where you can go out and face your fears and maybe youll go for a job you dont think youre qualified for or maybe youll make yourself go skydiving.

It was more than a decade ago when Amodei got his start with Intimate Illusions, which featured a concert cellist and appeared at the famed Beverly Wilshire in Beverly Hills. The sold-out show literally ran until last month and also toured the country.

As for Secrets & Illusions, it maintains Amodeis signature style of thought-provoking vignettes, audience participation, uplifting messages and storytelling. This time, hes guiding audiences through galleries of the Louvre Museum while once again being accompanied by an enchanting musical muse and concert violinist.

After Intimate Illusions, my thought was Secrets & Illusions would be the next chapter, Amodei said. It would continue the messages about destiny and also what are the most important assets in life.

Theyre not necessarily material things. Maybe its spending time with your family. So all of these illusions in my show are just another extension of Intimate Illusions, but on another level.

That level includes not only discovering the mysteries of Vincent Van Gogh's famous painting "Starry Night," but also presenting brain games, secrets, magic, music, illusion and a lot of audience participation.

Theres also an intense game of Russian Roulette involving a Bowie hunting knife. Without giving away too much, if an audience member picks the wrong selection, the illusionist could end up with a sharp knife going through his hand.

When asked about the role magic and illusions plays in our society, Amodei, naturally, gravitated his answer towards self-improvement.

It plays a great role because we only get bombarded with negative things, Amodei said. Most people are good. We have to help each other come to a better place.

If youre feeling bummed or victimized because youre not getting the good job and (thinking) everybody is against you, thats not true. Youre in control of your destiny and your life. Thats a good thing to tell people: You can put yourself wherever you want to be its just up to you.

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With Playhouse Square-bound 'Secrets & Illusions,' illusionist Ivan Amodei really wants to take you to a new place - News-Herald.com

Ohio State enjoyed a free weekend this past week, giving the Buckeyes a chance to rest following the 6-0 start. Not that the team really needed that idle week considering how well its played through the front half of the schedule.

Still, Ohio State and head coach Ryan Day took advantage of having a weekend off to do some self-scouting and assessment to see where the team can improve. While Day says there are some areas to clean up a bit, there havent been any glaring concerns through the first six games.

Essentially, Day says its the little things that Ohio State needs to improve on moving forward.

During the off week, the Ohio State coaching staff also took an opportunity to evaluate each player on the roster. Now, every Buckeye has three things he needs to focus on improving for the final six games of the regular season.

With Ohio State off to a 6-0 start and beating every team in its path by at least 24 points, its almost a little scary to think about how much better the Buckeyes can be, and what theyll look like out of a bye week.

Ohio State will be back on the field on Friday night in Evanston, taking on Northwestern in a B1G Championship Game rematch.

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Ohio State uses off weekend for self-assessment, Ryan Day focused on improvement - Saturday Tradition

WORLD CUP 2022 QUALIFIER

Singapore v Uzbekistan

National Stadium. Toggle, 7.45pm

The Lions will persist with Tatsuma Yoshida's attacking philosophy, even against stronger opposition, with the national coach stressing that it was the only way towards self-improvement.

Since Yoshida took charge in May, Singapore now favour a quick-pressing game and are more ambitious up front. That has led to impressive results in the World Cup qualifiers - they drew 2-2 with Yemen and beat Palestine 2-1 last month but succumbed 3-0 last Thursday at Saudi Arabia.

The Republic, second in Group D of the Asian second-round qualifiers with four points, host world No. 88 Uzbekistan at the National Stadium tonight.

Yoshida said: "We can play only defence. We can pack 11 players into our penalty box, and restrict opponents to a 1-0 or 2-0 win. But that is no good for us.

"We must learn and improve. If we don't even try, we have no chance. But if we try, and find a weakness in the opponents, we may have the chance to win. The important thing for me is that we try.

"Saudi Arabia were very good all round and we could not find any weaknesses. Uzbekistan will be more direct and we need to play on the ground, mark tightly, press hard and play quick passes forward to look for opportunities."

While the world No. 157 Lions committed men forward and created several chances to score at the King Abdullah Stadium in Buraidah, this approach left them vulnerable at the back and the Saudis, ranked 70th, could have racked up a bigger scoreline.

They hit the woodwork four times and Abdullah Alhamddan's penalty was saved by Izwan Mahbud.

The Uzbeks have arrived on the back of a 5-0 thrashing of Yemen and seemingly feeling the positive effects of having a new coach in Vadim Abramov, who replaced Hector Cuper after their 2-0 defeat by Palestine last month.

Uzbekistan reserve goalkeeper Abdumavlon Abduljalilov felt his team are liberated by the change, and said: "We were more defensive under Hector when every one in our football community was expecting a more attacking style.

"The change is very welcomed by everyone, the players feel more free and the spirit has changed."

Singapore have faced Uzbekistan only twice before, both in 2008 as part of the World Cup qualifiers. The Lions lost 7-3 at home and 1-0 away in Tashkent.

To make the task harder for the home side, they will be without their first-choice full-backs Shakir Hamzah and Zulqarnaen Suzliman who are injured.

Izwan, 29, was undeterred though. He said: "I have played under quite a few national coaches, and every coach wants to win. Compared to 2008, we have different players, a new coach and a new style of play.

"The main difference is coach Tatsuma likes us to play the ball forward with short passes to open up the game, and he wants us to win possession as soon as possible when we lose it.

"He gives us the confidence to play and doesn't make us worry about making mistakes. We have to score to win games and to score, we have to attack. It is up to us to be clever about how we do it."

Tickets available at fas.org.sg/tickets and sportshubtix.sg

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Football: You learn nothing from parking the bus and losing 1-0, says Lions coach Tatsuma Yoshida - The Straits Times

AMANDA Holden, Beyonce, Lindsay Lohan and now Molly-Mae Hague - the list of celebs who've been rumbled tampering and enhancing their pics on social media is endless.

But it has to stop - because as harmless as a Love Island stars tiny dinosaur hand may seem, these images are having catastrophic effects on the mental health of young people.

FaceTune - the app that allows Photoshop-style editing of smartphone photos - makes it possible for users to remove blemishes, airbrush skin, whiten teeth, brighten eyes and alter body shapes for 5.99-a- month.

It was the most popular paid for app of 2017 and by the summer of 2018 had been downloaded 50 million times.

Khloe Kardashian hailed it as life changing and YouTuber James Charles has made numerous tutorials for his 16 million subscribers on how to best use the app.

But not everyone is as enamoured, with Chrissy Tiegen tweeting I dont even know what real skin looks like anymore and Jameela Jamil saying: FaceTune you are the devil and I wish you didnt exist."

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And she's right. From Kim Kardashian to kids in the classroom, everyone is altering their online image - and it's no coincidence that 57 per cent of 18-24 year olds admit to having felt anxious because of their body image.

Having grown up on a diet of Photoshopped images and unrealistic ads in magazines and on TV, I developed an incredibly unhealthy relationship with my own body.

It was one that was built on hate and loathing as I compared myself to the beautiful (and, I realise now, totally not real) women all around me.

I covered my bedroom in photos from magazine adverts and would often cry myself to sleep wishing that I looked more like the models in the pictures, and less like I actually did - fat, spotty and with dry hair, at least thats what I thought anyway.

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FaceTune is dangerously easy to use - even a beginner like me was able to make myself look unrecognisably fabulous in a few short minutes.

And so its easy to see why people get sucked into it.

I was able to totally transform my face, the shape of my head, make my teeth whiter, eyes brighter and complexion perfect when I tried it this week.

Theres no denying that I look better in the edited photos. Id go so far as to say I look healthier, slimmer and with pores that Este Lauder herself would be proud of. And therein lies the problem.

Given the choice, who wouldnt want to upload the supermodel version of themselves - the version in which teeth arent off-white and nose jobs take two seconds rather than months of savings and painful recovery?

And its not just face tuning thats the problem. This app is used for the body too - although its founders say that was not its original purpose - and herein lies a bigger problem.

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Had this existed when I was a teenager I suspect I would be in a very dangerous place with it, editing every inch of myself before uploading any pictures.

FaceTune removes all multitude of sins, shrinking me down as if Id never so much as thought of a pizza.

Im grateful that it wasnt, but Im aware that there will be those out there now feeling like I did then, and for those people it is dangerous.

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Jameela Jamil joked that cosmetic surgeons must be investing in these apps - and she has a point.

Snapchat Dysmorphia has been linked to a rise in cosmetic surgery requests and a US medical journal suggested that filtered images that are blurring the lines of reality and fantasy could be triggering body the mental health condition where people become fixated on imagined defects.

But of course its not just FaceTune that edits our faces to unrealistic standards.

The inbuilt filters that come with both Instagram and Snapchat are problematic too. Not only do they add bunny ears to our faces, they smooth skin, plump lips and lift jowls whilst theyre at it.

In its most recent update, Instagram introduced dozens of new filters, one of which, was called Fix Me.

The filter automatically added the suggestions that a plastic surgeon might make to your face, should you be heading to the operating table. It was deleted last week after being accused of fuelling a mental health crisis in young women.

Others, still available, give users free 'lip filler' and 'facelifts'.

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Were quick to bash the celebrities for using it, as fans have done with Molly-Mae, but its not their fault.

If I learned anything from hating myself, its that most of us are riddled with insecurities so its little wonder that people turn to the self-improvement app.

Lets face it, if Molly hadnt edited the pictures, shed have no doubt received abusive comments about something else.

It begs the question: why would you go into battle without any protection on when for just five quid a month you can have the shiniest and most flattering body armour available?

As much as celebs are the problem, they are also the victims - but that doesnt make any of it okay because in using the app, they are making young women feel like they need to be using it too.

By turning us into beautiful caricatures of ourselves, theyre making it harder and harder to be OK with the reality that we face when we put our phones down.

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Short of banning the app - an unlikely solution since others will just pop up in its place - I think social media users would benefit from more transparency.

Whether the app puts a watermark across the picture to show that edits have been made or users are made to say if they have used the app, this would help young people to differentiate between what is real and what is not.

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Instagrammers must now declare if they are being paid to promote a product and I think its time similar declarations were required from users editing their images.

A PITT STRONGER Angelina Jolie praises her six kids for helping drag her through divorce

Star baker Every Bake Off winner ever from Nadiya Hussain to Candice to Joanne

DIVA FOREVER Cher on not liking her singing voice, famous exes & why this tour is her last

SICK FANTASY I killed 93 women for sexual kicks, admits 'America's worst serial killer'

SECRET BATTLE Doctor Who star reveals he almost killed himself by jumping in front of train

MY GEORGE FEARS I was terrified George Michael would die from Aids, says Andrew Ridgeley

When I was at my most insecure I compared myself to everyone around me.

Not once though did I ever compare myself to Scooby Do. As a cartoon dog, I knew he wasnt real.

By not allowing celebs to get away with editing their pics on the sly, the hope would be that kids would stop comparing themselves to something just as unrealistic, but so much more damaging, than the dog.

Excerpt from:
Dangerous Photoshopping apps need to be banned NOW theyre warping reality - The Sun

Manager Craig Levein has challenged his players to stand up and be counted especially at Tynecastle

Games like todays were one of the main reasons Joel Pereira agreed to join Hearts on loan from Manchester United this summer. A full house, high-profile opponents, TV cameras everywhere. The chance to project and to prove. What the Portuguese goalkeeper could not have predicted was the mood; the self-doubt and recrimination swirling around Tynecastle as Hearts prepare to host Steven Gerrards Rangers. They have won only one of their first eight Premiership fixtures, and havent tasted league success on their own patch since the end of March. A place that for so long has been regarded as a fortress has become something more like a welcome mat. Visitors wipe their feet and make themselves at home.

After the most recent disappointment, a 1-0 defeat

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Hearts out to prove their worth ahead of Rangers clash - The Times

A new real estate agent faces an uphill battle. Not only are they unknown, but they now are competing against more established agents who have been in the field longer, meaning they need to be creative and look at things from a different angle in order to set themselves apart.

Building interest is where the journey toward becoming a successful real estate agent starts. Even if clients are already familiar with their name, agents have to demonstrate why they perform better than their competitors if they want to get noticed and earn client business.

Here, 12 professionals from Forbes Real Estate Council examine a few critical tips that new real estate agents can implement to help build their business and start their careers off on the right note.

Forbes Real Estate Council members share their top career tips for new real estate agents.

1. Understand Yourself And Your Specialty

Identifying your strongest attributes and comprehending what your value proposition will be are both crucial at the origin of your real estate career. Building your business on a solid foundation is paramount to a successful practice, and it is significantly easier to accomplish once you understand yourself and how you can create the most value for your future clients. - Adrian Provost, Compass + LEVEL

2. Plan, Strategize, Execute

I see many new ambitious agents jumping right in. The problem is that it's challenging to execute without a strategy, and it's impossible to have a strategy without having a plan. Just as with a house, having a solid foundation is necessaryotherwise repairs might be expensive! New agents should think about their objectives and create a great plan focusing on what makes them unique. - Julien Leclair-Dionne, HomeFluent

3. Get A Mentor

If I were to do this all over again, I would start out either on a real estate team, or I would get a good strong mentor that would push me, hold me accountable and make me work. It is so easy to not work when you are self-employed. - Aaron Marshall, Keyrenter Property Management

4. Take That Desk Duty

I tell new agents to take front office desk duty whenever possible. You meet and greet new customers as they walk in, and you never know what might transpire from that initial handshake. You get a sense of what people are looking for, and it's an easy way to trade contact information. After all, you're dealing with people actively seeking real estate advice; all you have to do is show up. - Elizabeth Ann Stribling-Kivlan, Compass

5. Work Hard, Serve Others

In my opinion, the key for young people is to work extremely hard, be disciplined and have a plan, invest in self-improvement, not be afraid to fail and try to help as many people as possible. Service leads to trusted relationships and that is the key to long-lasting, profitable client relationships. - Jonathan Keyser, Keyser

6. Get Out And Network

Find the trade associations most relevant to your niche, go to all of the networking events and/or panels they put together in your area and ask about joining the committee that helps plan the events and/or panels. If you want longevity in your career, focus on building genuine relationships with your peers, not just based around work. - Robin Bhalla, The Festival Companies

7. Avoid A One-Size-Fits-All Approach

You may want to work with "everyone," but "everyone" may not want to work with you. Whether marketing, geo farming or working your sphere of influence, know who you want to serve and what value you bring to the table. When you can identify a specific target market, you will understand their needs and create value that is meaningful to them. Create a client-centric business and the results will follow. - Michelle Risi, Royal LePage Connect Realty

8. Connect With The Community

Building a real estate business takes time, trust and an abundance of effort. Take time to explore neighborhoods and make connections with the community. When a property becomes available, you might be in the right place at the right time. Connecting with the community gives you the insight you might not otherwise gain. - Bobby Montagne, Walnut Street Finance

9. Build Your Database

Your top 150 contacts is a great place to start. The best initial approach is to ask them for referrals and not their own business. This way you keep the lines of communication open. Prepare your 30-second elevator pitch that shows your commitment and passion for business. Remember, to make money, you must meet a person face-to-face and get them in contract. It's that simple. - Amit Inamdar, Own Sweet Home Realty

10. Take Advantage Of Every Education Opportunity

Take every real estate continuing education course availableyou will quickly expand your knowledge base and be more prepared to answer a myriad of buyer and seller questions. Beyond classes, go to an event at least once a week, join the flow of conversation, let people know what you do. Everyone knows someone ready to buy, sell or lease a home. In fact, leases are an often-overlooked avenue for building a referral base. - Anna Morrison Lee, Anna Morrison Lee, Broker Associate, Moreland Properties

11. Leverage Video To Build Your Brand

By creating short videos about businesses, events and notable people in your town, you can begin to gain a reputation as the local expert. Branding the videos with your logo lets viewers know you're a broker without asking for referrals in every video. Be sure to include real estate-focused videos such as buyer and/or seller tips and property tours. With consistency and patience, your business will grow. - Ryan Moran, Option Realty Group LTD

12. Provide Social Proof

Provide social proof by posting pictures and experiences for others to see how you helped someone else buy or sell a home and the benefits the homebuyer or home seller experienced by working with you. If you have no experience and are just starting out, you can follow the same idea by borrowing that social proof from your broker or team's experience. - Dani Lynn Robison, Freedom Real Estate Group

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12 Effective Strategies New Real Estate Agents Can Use To Build Their Business - Forbes

This latter point is particularly true for younger adults starting out in careers or studying. A report on loneliness published last year from the Office for National Statistics identified three profiles of people at particular risk from loneliness, including younger renters with little trust and sense of belonging to their area. These are young professionals actively sharing and engaging their lives online but unable to access a physical community and the benefit that brings.

It is against this backdrop that co-living is being championed as a way of building communities and fostering social engagement in dwellings. Co-living is not a new concept: for most, co-living was flat-sharing forged out of financial necessity. It had multiple set-backs: difficulty in finding a place; inflexible check-in / check-out; arduous billing arrangements; a lack of amenities and facilities; and remoteness from friends or colleagues.

The future of modern co-living is a far different and far better proposition. It recognises that its customer base (typically, 18-34 year olds) value experiences over ownership. Modern co-living allows renters to occupy their own space but share amenities as well as participate in events in a cohesive community assisted by a skilled building operator.

The sector has the potential to grow rapidly, offering choice and flexibility for tenants as well as significant potential for investors seeking sustainable returns for their capital. Certain entrants are establishing a small foothold in the sector, but the real opportunity will come with scale. In my view, large-scale co-living can be an ideal response to the needs of Londons solo-renting housing market. Purpose-built student accommodation has revolutionised the student lettings market over the past 15 years, and it is clear to me that large-scale co-living has the potential to deliver the same impact to the private-rented sector in London over the next decade.

For these reasons, we launched COLIV with global co-living pioneer The Collective. COLIV is the worlds first large-scale co-living fund, with an aim of raising up to 650million of capital. We are seeking to acquire, or forward fund, between six and ten purpose-built, large-scale co-living assets, all in the London area with an estimated gross asset value target of 1bn.

Its an important step in the development of our business to be leading the market in delivery of an innovative solution to Londons housing shortage for solo-renters. This fund will bring a strong social agenda through the properties we create, how we engage with our communities and in the way we foster wellbeing in our members.

Alongside the investment opportunity, our guiding principle is to have a positive impact beyond the four walls of our real estate. We want our buildings well-designed with sustainable principles and we want them well-managed to retain their efficiency and effectiveness. The fund aims to create a gold standard benchmark for other co-living operators to follow such as targeting BREEAM excellence standards.

Our aim is to engender a positive social impact within our assets and within their communities. A range of self-improvement and self-actualisation programmes are aimed at developing and nurturing members in our buildings. We also aim to improve neighbourhood accessibility by opening up buildings for use by local community groups. A portion of the funds rental income will also help local community initiatives which have aligned social objectives, of bringing people together and preventing loneliness.

Large-scale co-living will have a dramatic impact on big city living providing a growing alternative asset class for investors. However, for it to fulfil its purpose it is critical it is done with the principles of quality, convenience and community at its heart.

As one resident of The Collectives Old Oak Common asset put it I could be in a building with five hundred anonymous people that I dont know. Here, its about five hundred people that I want to know.

Chris Cooper, CEO DTZ Investors

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DTZ Investors CEO on why the firm is launching a 650m co-living fund with The Collective - Property Week

This past week, I travelled to United Kingdom for a short trip to be best man at my friend, Martin Drivers wedding.

It was a fabulous trip, and I was so thrilled to give a reading at this lovely occasion. It was such an honour to be asked to be best man.

Like all weddings, there was lots of joy as well as tears of happiness, and a whole load of hugs and kisses. It was also fantastic to catch up with some of my oldest friends in Brighton, where I went to university.

My friend Martin, for as long as I can remember, always said that he would never get married.

But then he met his lovely wife Patricia, and as he enters into the sixth decade of his life, he tied the knot. Im so happy for him and I suspect he is going to be a very content man for the rest of his life.

Why do people change their mind under certain circumstances, and breakaway from long held beliefs?

The prolific Dutch post-impressionist painter, Vincent van Gogh, who is among the most famous and influential figures in the history of Western art is reported to have said, if you hear a voice within you say, you cannot paint, then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.

Self-belief forms the core foundation of getting any result in life.

Renowned management guru, Bob Proctor says, you dont have to know how to do it, you just have to know that you can.

Perhaps my friend Martin, when he met his future bride, realised that he could actually be married and be happy, even if he didnt know the steps to make this happen.

I find that this is the most powerful mindset you can ever have.

I have met so many entrepreneurs and successful business owners whove made it, even though they actually did not know how to manage their businesses to start off with. They only knew and believed that they would get it done.

This attitude, where you take ownership of your actions is necessary for all parts of your life, from your relationships to your career.

Your beliefs are hugely influential, and powerful. Their impact is beyond the normal conscious control of your mind. Much of what happens to you, is a result of your sub-conscious beliefs.

The power of your sub-conscious beliefs is quite phenomenal.

There are multiple scientific studies on the placebo effect that reinforce this. A placebo is a substance containing no medication, given to strengthen a patient's expectation to get well. Their belief that the treatment will work, dramatically affects the way their bodies react to the illness.

The placebo effect is not deception. Instead, it is a product of expectation. The human brain anticipates certain outcomes, and because that belief is so strong, the desired result is produced.

This underlines the fact that belief is vital to the human mind. If your belief in something strong enough, it will happen. Therefore, to be successful at anything we do, we must have belief.

On my daily radio show, The Right Perspective with Shankar Santhiram on Lite Malaysia, I regularly remind listeners that of all the beliefs we develop, self-belief is critical.

People with self-belief have qualities that we admire. They are confident and competent. These types of people also encourage confidence in others. The biggest contributor to self-belief is your confidence in your ability.

As you master skills and gain expertise in any given field, you gain in confidence. And, as you sense that you are competent at what you do, naturally your self-belief increases.

While positive thinking has a role in the development of your self-belief, setting and achieving goals helps you build your confidence and competence.

Through my work, I have learnt that the key component to developing self-belief is being confident that the end result you want is possible.

You need to be able to say with total conviction it really is possible for me to achieve this goal.

Having self-belief facilitates finding creative solutions. When you approach a goal at the workplace with disbelief you will feel anxiety and your ability to think gets clouded by t

his.

Alternatively, when you approach a goal or a problem at work or even in life with self-belief, you are able to think much more clearly.

People who lack self-belief have a strong inclination to filter out the positive aspects about themselves.

So, consciously work on identifying and acknowledging your results and strengths.

List out your accomplishments, and not undersell your success to yourself. Most of all, stop comparing yourselves to others. It is a total waste of time, and completely futile.

Do not sabotage your own self-belief.

Instead, work on self-improvement by concentrating on your self-efficacy. This is your belief in your own capacity to execute the behaviour necessary to produce results.

Just like my friend Martin, when you increase your self-belief, you will find that your value grows.

Shankar R. Santhiram is managing consultant and executive leadership coach at EQTD Consulting. He is also the author of the national bestseller So, You Want To Get Promoted?

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Work Matters!: The power of self belief - New Straits Times Online

If parents were giving their children virtue names today, as the Puritans used to do, nobody would choose Charity or Grace or Patience. Instead, half of all baby girls born in America would be named Empowerment or Assertiveness.

For women in this cultural moment, assertiveness is perhaps the ultimate in aspirational personal qualities. At the nexus of feminism and self-help lies the promise that if we can only learn to state our needs more forcefully to lean in and stop apologizing and demand a raise and power pose in the bathroom before meetings and generally act like a ladyboss (though not a regular boss of course; that would be unladylike) everything from the pay gap to mansplaining to the glass ceiling would all but disappear. Women! Be more like men. Men, as you were.

There are several problems with this fist-pumping restyling of feminism, most obviously that it slides all too easily into victim blaming. The caricature of the shrinking violet, too fearful to ask for a raise, is a handy straw-woman for corporations that would rather blame their female employees for a lack of assertiveness than pay them fairly.

Theres also the awkward issue that it turns out to be untrue. Research shows that despite countless attempts to rebrand the wage gap as a confidence gap, women ask for raises as often as men do. They just dont get them.

But even if we leave these narrative glitches aside and accept the argument that female unassertiveness is a major cause of gender inequality and that complex, systemic problems can be fixed with individual self-improvement, we are still left with a deeply sexist premise.

The assumption that assertiveness is a more valuable trait than say, deference is itself the product of a ubiquitous and corrosive gender hierarchy.

As a rule, anything associated with girls or women from the color pink to domestic labor is by definition assigned a lower cultural value than things associated with boys or men. Fashion, for instance, is vain and shallow, while baseball is basically a branch of philosophy. Tax dollars are poured into encouraging girls to take up STEM subjects, but no one seems to care much whether boys become nurses. Girls are routinely given pep talks to be anything a boy can be, a glorious promotion from their current state, whereas to encourage a boy to behave more like a girl is to inflict an emasculating demotion. Female hobbies, careers, possessions and behaviors are generally dismissed as frivolous, trivial, niche or low status certainly nothing to which any self-respecting boy or man might ever aspire.

Women: Improve yourselves! has always been a baseline instruction of both the world at large and the self-help movement. Take the whole Women Who subgenre, a surprisingly large range of books whose titles start with the words Women Who and end with a character flaw that then blames us for our own failure to be happy or successful. Women Who Love Too Much, Women Who Think Too Much, Women Who Worry Too Much, Women Who Do Too Much.

Rarely do we stop to consider that many of lifes problems might be better explained by the alternative titles Men Who Love Too Little, Think Too Little, Worry Too Little or Do Too Little. But instead we assume without question that whatever men are doing or thinking is what we all should be aiming for.

Now the assertiveness movement is taking this same depressingly stacked ranking system and selling it back to us as feminism. We in turn barely question whether the male standard really is the more socially desirable or morally sound set of behaviors or consider whether women might actually have had it right all along.

After all, one mans assertive is often another womans abrasive, entitled or rude. Surely many of our current most pressing social and political problems from #MeToo to campus rape, school shootings to President Trumps Twitter posturing are caused not by a lack of assertiveness in women but by an overassertiveness among men. In the workplace, probably unsurprisingly to many women who are routinely talked over, patronized or ignored by male colleagues, research shows that rather than women being underconfident, men tend to be overconfident in relation to their actual abilities. Women generally arent failing to speak up; the problem is that men are refusing to pipe down.

Take apologizing, the patient zero of the assertiveness movement. Women do too much of it, according to countless op-ed essays, books, apps and shampoo ads. Theres even a Gmail plug-in that is supposed to help us quit this apparently self-destructive habit by policing our emails for signs of excessive contrition, underlining anything of an overly apologetic nature in angry red wiggles.

The various anti-apologizing tracts often quote a 2010 study showing that the reason women say they are sorry more often than men is that we have a lower threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior. This is almost exclusively framed as an example of female deficiency. But really, isnt a person with a high threshold of what constitutes offensive behavior just a fancy name for a jerk?

Rarely in the course of this anti-apologizing crusade do we ever stop to consider the social and moral value of apologies and the cost of obliterating them from our interactions. Apologizing is a highly symbolic and socially efficient way to take responsibility for our actions, to right a wrong and clear space for another persons feelings. Its a routine means of injecting self-examination and moral reflection into daily life.

Indeed many of our problems with male entitlement and toxic behavior both in the workplace and elsewhere could well be traced back to a fundamental unwillingness among men to apologize, or even perceive that they have anything to apologize for. Certainly many emails I have received from men over the years might have benefited from a Gmail plug-in pointing out the apology-shaped hole. The energy we expend in getting women to stop apologizing might be better spent encouraging men to start.

So perhaps instead of nagging women to scramble to meet the male standard, we should instead be training men and boys to aspire to womens cultural norms, and selling those norms to men as both default and desirable. To be more deferential. To reflect and listen and apologize where an apology is due (and if unsure, to err on the side of a superfluous sorry than an absent one). To aim for modesty and humility and cooperation rather than blowhard arrogance.

It would be a challenge, for sure. Pity the human resources manager trying to sell a deference training course to male employees. She would need to paint all the PowerPoint slides black and hand out Nerf guns just to get started. As long as the threat of emasculation is a baseline terror for men, encouraging them to act more like women still instinctively feels like a form of humiliation.

Which is exactly why we need to try, because until female norms and standards are seen as every bit as valuable and aspirational as those of men, we will never achieve equality. Promoting qualities such as deference, humility, cooperation and listening skills will benefit not only women but also businesses, politics and even men themselves, freeing them from the constant and exhausting expectation to perform a grandstanding masculinity, even when they feel insecure or unsure.

So H.R. managers and self-help authors, slogan writers and TED Talk talkers: Use your platforms and your cultural capital to ask that men be the ones to do the self-improvement for once. Stand up for deference. Write the book that tells men to sit back and listen and yield to others judgment. Code the app that shows them where to put the apologies in their emails. Teach them how to assess their own abilities realistically and modestly. Tell them to lean out, reflect and consider the needs of others rather than assertively restating their own. Sell the female standard as the norm.

Perhaps some capitulation poses in the bathroom before a big meeting might help.

Ruth Whippman, the author of America the Anxious, is working on a book about raising boys.

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Enough Leaning In. Lets Tell Men to Lean Out. - The New York Times

Private therapy helps so many people stay mentally healthy, but it also can come with long wait times, high costs and sometimes awkward moments. So its no wonder that many people turn to mental health apps for help with their own mental health concerns. Popular apps can include mood tracking, meditation, CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and other tools to use to stay mentally healthy.

People find that they can increase insight, improve habit forming behaviors and build mindful awareness [using apps], Lauren Cook, MMFT and Doctoral Candidate of Clinical Psychology at Pepperdine University, tells SheKnows. Furthermore, they can be discreet. It might look like youre texting when in actuality you may be utilizing a mental health app.

But with all the advantages, mental health apps arent exactly perfect. There can be some drawback to using them especially if youre using them incorrectly. Here are five things mental health experts want you to know before you hit download.

Mental health apps are best used in conjunction with in-person therapy. Jessica A. Rose, LMHC, a Manhattan-based psychotherapist, says mental health apps are most useful for individuals who are currently working with a mental health professional and are looking for an organized way to their track symptoms or experiences, or to practice the interventions theyve learned in therapy in their daily life interventions such as meditation and breathing techniques.

The best thing about mental health apps is that they extend the learning from the therapy session, says Cook. They bring the skills into a day-to-day practice and build greater awareness. They also help you form healthier habits. For example, you may begin a more consistent mindfulness practice when you get a daily reminder from your phone app.

Rose has only criticism for any mental health apps that promise to make you your own expert.

Imagine the same statement was put forward regarding legal advice, dental health, acupuncturist? Mental Health Professionals (LMHC, LCSW, Ph.D., PsyD, MD) have, at minimum, six years of college education, plus externships/residencies, supervised clinical hours, and must pass a state licensure exam, says Rose. It is difficult, if not impossible, to imagine an app that is able to encapsulate all the education acquired both in and out of the classroom to assert that one who downloads this app may become their own expert.

Mental health apps should not be diagnosing anyone and it is concerning that someone would use an app after they have self-diagnosed themselves, says Cook. Ideally, she says, use of an app is monitored by your clinician so that any questions or significant changes in behavior can be monitored. Mental health apps also dont assess for safety in the same way that an in-person therapist can. For example, if someone is feeling suicidal, an app can only do so much to get you to the appropriate care whereas a therapist can guide you through the process of getting support.

In the same vein, of course you want to select apps that will do you good, and your doctor or mental health provider can likely give you a personalized recommendation. But if thats not possible, read reviews about the apps and Google what apps may be the most helpful for treating the symptoms that you believe you are experiencing, recommends Cook.

If youre experiencing mental distress, Cook suggests connecting with your personal support network first before you go to an app. Having conversations with family and friends about your distress can be a meaningful way to process your experience, she says. That face-to-face opportunity for support can make a tremendous difference even if its through FaceTime. Human connection makes a big difference.

If its a small amount of stress, that in-person support may be all you need to help you cope. But if youre having difficulty completing your daily obligations and/or are overwhelmingly upset, Cook recommends that you seek professional care before turning to an app.

Ultimately, when it comes to treating your mental health effectively, the experts we talked to believe that seeking treatment from an in-person therapist should always take priority over seeking help from a mental health app.

Mental health apps are great for those who are looking for self-improvement and increased awareness, Cook says. But for people who have difficulty controlling their emotional responses and/or are emotionally in distress or for those who lack motivation, a mental health app is likely insufficient treatment.

Instead, Rose urges people to think of mental health the same way you think of physical health: Ifyou have a worrisome symptom, its best to first get checked out by a professional.

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5 Things You Need to Know Before Trying a Mental Health App - SheKnows