UAE millionaires are the youngest among their global counterparts, shaping the way they view personal enrichment and how they invest their money, according to a new HSBC survey in seven countries.

In the global study of 1,000 high-net-worth people with between $1 million (Dh3.65m) and $5m of investable assets, UAE respondents had an average age of 35. This is younger than mainland China at 37 and significantly younger than the UK at 51 and the US at 61. The other locations surveyed were Canada, France, Hong Kong and Singapore.

Three quarters of the 100 UAE millionaires surveyed said self-improvement is extremely important to living an enriched life, the highest globally. About half (52 per cent) chose new adventures with family also the most globally compared to 37 per cent in China and 35 per cent in France.

More and more of UAEs high-net-worth people are shifting towards a broader view of enrichment where self-improvement, new experiences and mental well-being rate just as high, or higher, than wealth accumulation, said Abdulfattah Sharaf, the group general manager and chief executive of HSBC in the UAE. These new perspectives are also changing the way the affluent manage their finances and invest.

There are approximately 88,700 people living in the UAE with individual assets of $1m or more, according to a 2019 report from New World Wealth based in Johannesburg. High-net-worth people hold about half of the $925bn in personal wealth in the Emirates, the report found.

HSBCs study found that of the UAE respondents who had average investible assets of $1.8m 40 per cent ran their own businesses, 30 per cent held senior executive positions and 20 per cent worked in professional services.

More than half (56 per cent) said establishing a legacy is an important source of enrichment. Eighty-one per cent said passing on values is the most important factor in their personal legacy, the second highest globally after France (86 per cent). Passing on assets was important for 56 per cent of UAE respondents and passing on skills for 54 per cent.

To capitalise on the studys findings on self-improvement and adventure, HSBC introduced Jade, a bank account that includes access to a range of bespoke luxury experiences, in addition to wealth management. Its Enrich List includes a voyage to Titanics wreck site off the coast of Canada, crying therapy in Japan and star gazing in Omans Wahiba Desert.

Updated: February 6, 2020 05:05 PM

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UAE millionaires are the youngest in the world - The National

In 2015, California decluttering and anti-burnout coach Jessica Louie was a Marie Kondo super fan. The anti-clutter gurus KonMari method of serenity through tidying had changed her life. Kondos influence was so profound that Louie completed a KonMari consultant certification course to share Kondos wisdom with her fellow pharmacists and other people overwhelmed by the stresses of modern life.

But there was a problem. When Louie examined her finances through Kondos lens, her mountain of graduate school-incurred debt failed to spark joy. Inspired by the life-changing simplicity of the KonMari method, Louie wondered if Japanese culture might offer similar wisdom for saving money. Thats how she discovered the financial approach of Kakeibo. With it, the debt steadily eroded.

We paid off almost $300,000 of debt from our graduate programs, Louie says. After her personal success with Kakeibo, she incorporated it into her anti-burnout coaching practice. I went debt free on it and have used it ever since with my clients.

Like the KonMari method, the 116-year-old Japanese financial approach of Kakeibo connects common domestic tasks (tidying for KonMari; budgeting for Kakeibo) with profound changes to mood and emotion. Pronounced Kah-keh-boh and translated to household financial ledger, Kakeibo (sometimes written as Kakebo) is a simple approach to household finances that teaches people to be more intentional about their spending. It doesnt require an app or spreadsheet; in fact, it must be done by hand. Kakeibos creator, trailblazing Japanese female journalist Motoko Hani, believed people need financial stability to achieve happiness. So, she created a clever and incredibly simple mix of budgeting and journaling that fosters emotional awareness about money and instills the value of delayed gratification.

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Kakeibo is a ledger system designed to track spending and make users aware of how theyre using money. The Kakeibo financial approach asks four simple questions:

In his 2018 book Kakeibo: The Japanese Art of Saving Money, author Fumiko Chiba illustrates the four questions like parts of a propeller. In practice, each of the simple questions flows into each other. You have money coming in, a goal for how much youd like to save, and money going out. Once you improve whats going out, more money is available and you can save more. But since there will inevitably be setbacks or things you overlook in a cycle, you stay mindful of spending and continue to look for ways to improve.

Kakeibo is about mindfulness. It asks its users to be conscious of what theyre spending money on. At the start of each month, you write down fixed income and expenses (rent, food, and so forth). Weekly, you record purchases and divide them into four pillars, or categories: survival, culture, optional, and extra (or unexpected). Sorting purchases into pillars gives a clear understanding of where your money is going and whether your use of money is advancing your savings goal. And it sets the stage for the reflection of asking how you can improve your spending habits to service that goal better. With your purchases recorded and categorized, you can see that splurging on Seamless five times a week set you back and improve by cooking more meals at home.

Youre definitely going to have some missteps, Louie says. Everyone has that. I had that as well. And then we write it down. You just reflect on it and ask, why did I do that? What was the feeling I had at that time?

No one attains perfect financial discipline overnight. Louie says Kakeibos call for regular reflection and self-improvement facilitates the learning process.

Sometimes my clients have to buy something in order to learn why they have that habit in their life, she says. Are they using it to cope or just have that burst of dopamine when they purchased it? Sometimes, when they get the item, they never even open the box.

The physical act of writing on paper is key to Kakeibo. This makes sense: studies have shown that writing leads to deeper understanding of information because it forces us to slow down and process what were learning instead of recording it without thought. Without this intentionality, the Kakeibo doesnt work.

Kakeibos a simple system. But its simplicity can lead to profound changes in spending habits. Tracking spending with the Kakeibo template makes you accountable for everything you purchase. Considering whether something is optional or needed for survival can be a persuasive reason for sticking to a shopping list instead of, say, hopping on Amazon to buy a few essentials and ending up with $200 worth of items in your cart. The resulting purchases often sport a Marie Kondo-friendly inclination towards quality over quantity.

The more money you save with Kakeibo, the higher quality of item you will invest in, Louie says. So its quality over quantity, which is very similar to Marie Kondo. If you are looking at what sparks joy in your life, youre investing in quality items that will last for years to come.

Of course, the Kakeibo method takes time to set. When I work with a lot of my clients, the first few weeks we work together, usually their Kakeibo tracking sheet is full and theres probably about 20, 25 lines, Louie says. As we continue working together, it gets down to maybe three or four lines.

With its spending categories and weekly calls for self-assessment, Kakeibo encourages people to be mindful of how theyre using money. Financial therapist and Financial Wellness Advocate for Prudential Amanda Clayman says that regular reflection on money could be a valuable change for many Americans.

We have a bias toward busy-ness in American culture where we are affirmed and praised for like the busier and crazier we are, she says. And because of that, activities of reflection do not feel productive.

Many spend casually and without consideration out of convenience. Knowing weve frittered away on food weve forgotten weve eaten alone can often be enough to change lazy habits.

A lot of people have a practice of tracking their spending, Clayman says. And while thats really lovely for bringing more consciousness to the moment, unless they also have a complementary practice of reviewing and then thinking about how they want to use that information moving forward, then theyre really only sort of doing half of the exercise.

Reflecting on spending shows how quickly the joys of mindless consumption disappear and leave us short on cash and surrounded by clutter.

A lot of times, in the moment we just want momentary gratification around a purchase but we dont actually want to have the thing that were buying, Clayman says.

Clayman noted that Kakeibo is rooted in culture. The Japanese rely on cash far more than Americans and the methods spending plans are geared far more towards the simple subtraction and addition involved with the exchange of physical rather than the complex variables of credit cards and banking fees.

Having a clear and intentional understanding of financial goals can grant those goals more perceived value, which strengthens commitment to delayed gratification. Americans generally prefer their gratification to be instant, which leads to out-of-control spending, regret and, in nearly all cases, fails to spark joy.

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Having access to performance data can help employees gain deeper understanding of their strengths and areas to work on something especially important for development teams, who are under increasing pressure to innovate faster, create services to keep up with customer demands and fight off their business competitors. Awareness of output is crucial to increasing the speed of innovation; having concrete data allows teams to gain this understanding of their work, steps they can take to self-improve and, ultimately, accelerate the innovation process. So why arent more companies empowering their IT teams with this kind of data?

Advances in modern technology have enabled us to become masters at measuring our behaviour. We are obsessed with self-analytics, from smartwatches that record how many steps weve taken in a day, to our phones monitoring how long weve spent on certain apps, we now have constant access to data we can use to improve who we are and the way we live our lives. In fact, we now produce a mind-boggling 2.5 quintillion bytes of data every day. Why is it then that that were not able to gain the same level of understanding of our performance in the workplace?

For large enterprises, where the mainframe is the backbone, an intuitive interface is critical. Newer developers may have never seen a green-screen environment before. They will have different expectations, as will more experienced developers, since theyve all been exposed to modern, user-friendly operating systems. As such, a modern IDE and analysis tools, can help developers of all backgrounds and experience levels work confidently and speedily on the mainframe. Sometimes it is easier to continue to work with the familiar, with muscle memory likely leading developers to work on autopilot. However, with access to performance data, correlated with developer behaviour, teams will be able make evidence-based decisions that improve the speed and quality of their output. As they become more aware of how the ways they work make a difference, so they are enabled to change and measure the impact of that change just like when they use a Fitbit to improve physical and mental health.

Armed with this Fitbit for developers, teams will have a clear idea of how theyre doing at work, the areas they perform well in, what could be improved and how changes in behaviour impact output. The measurements also provide evidence that they are getting better, giving a sense of individual achievement that translates to the successes of the team, inspiring a more creative landscape to drive innovation forward.

The way todays digital-savvy developers prefer to be taught about new methods and concepts has changed and moved on from the old, read the manual approach. Developers are now accustomed to hopping onto YouTube for video tutorials in their personal lives, for everything from cooking to DIY, they no longer want desk-based, textbook learning opportunities. As mainframe-reliant companies drive forward millennial recruitment plans, they need to provide this modern, Google/YouTube model for training too.

Online training curriculums can offer tailored, role-based modules for developers, while simultaneously providing data on individual tools usage. Having transparency of data allows teams to understand how changes to behaviour or tooling can benefit their performance and inspire them to adapt to be more effective individually and organisationally.

The data gleaned from new, online curriculums doesnt just benefit development teams. When understanding tool usage, theres also the added bonus for businesses that they will have access to metrics showing how effective the training has been and if investments in new tooling are paying off. This is hugely beneficial to the wider educational programme, as it enables an organisation to use data to constantly re-assess their teaching methods and measure adoption and usage of new tools that have been implemented.

After developers complete training, IT leaders can consult the data theyve produced to gain an understanding of the areas developers are thriving in, where they may need extra help, what new products theyve started using and what the business impact is. These metrics provide IT teams with knowledge on how effective a tool or a training course is, so they can then report back to the wider business to guide future decision-making.

Then, as is the standard expectation when data is collected, businesses are able to carry out further analytics to assess the impact on industry-standard measures such as quality, velocity and efficiency. This can be done both at a team and organisational level to show how the mainframe community is doing as a whole.

Across all industries, its no longer a case of big beats small; now fast beats slow. Businesses need to innovate faster while also improving quality and efficiency to keep up, and empowering development teams to embrace new ways of working and measure the positive impact it has on their output is crucial. Organisations should be considering how data and machine learning can help mainframe software development and delivery teams with this, enabling them to better understand their current performance levels, where this can be enhanced with new tooling or processes and the learning programmes on offer to help them on the road to self-improvement.

Dr Elizabeth Maxwell, EMEA Mainframe Technical Director, Compuware

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Supercharging mainframe innovation by measuring developer performance data - ITProPortal

EA has announced its plans to develop a new Sims sequel, and the obsolete MMO The Sims Onlinewill have a big impact on it. Considering the complex history of The Sims 4 is is never obvious what EA plans to do with the franchise in the future.

Seven years have passed since the last sequel was released, and while there have been clues in EA job listings about a new extension, nothing was definite until now. In an investors meeting last week, the companys executive Andrew Wilson was asked whether developer Maxis intends to relaunch an online sequel of The Sims remanding MMO The Sims Online, which was discontinued after it named it EA-Land back in 2008.

As per the transcript from fansite Sims Community, Wilson described that The Sims as a new generation, and suggested that a new game would merge features of The Sims Onlines social behaviors with the more classical virtual dollhouse elements.

What he said, in fact, was an almost unintelligible flow of marketing demagogy, but it is obvious that he was talking about a new product that would either be The Sims Online 2 or, most probably, The Sims 5.

As Maxis continues to think about The Sims for a new generation cross-platforms and a cloud of a neighborhood world, you should imagine while we will always stay true to our inspiration, escape, creation, self-improvement, motivations that this notion of social interactions and competition like the kind of things that were actually present in The Sims Online many, many years ago that they will start to become a part of The Sims experience in the years to come, Wilson said.

We are very excited. This is a game that really doesnt have any competition in its category for delivering and fulfilling these motivations for players, and we think of the tremendous growth opportunities for us for many, many years to come.

We should mention the fact that the use of new generation doesnt have anything to do with the next-generation consoles, but it is an allusion to The Sims series and new players.

Paula is an outstanding reporter for Henri Le Chat Noir, always finding new and interesting topics to bring to the portal. She mostly crafts Science and Technology news articles, covering everything one needs to know about those niches. Paula studied at Concordia University.

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The Sims 5 is Probably Being Developed - Henri Le Chat Noir

E-commerce giant Amazon is globally hiring thousands upon thousands of people 36,305, to be exact and more than 300 of them are in Australia.

The tech company is hiring across at least 50 countries, with nearly 23,000 of the vacancies in the US, 2,420 from India, and roughly 1,400 apiece from Britain, Canada, and Germany, according to analysis by Thinknum.

Most of the jobs are in software development (10,441 of them) and nearly 2,500 in non-technical project, program and product management roles.

There are more than 2,000 jobs each in operations, IT and support engineering as well as technical project management roles.

Several of the job categories are technical, operations, business or logistics-related, such as data science or hardware development but Amazon is also hiring for 1,634 human resources personnel and 494 designers, too.

The company also needs 407 customer service operators, 380 writers, content creators and managers, and 89 audio, video and photography producers.

Amazon has offices in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane. The 330 advertised jobs, most of which are with cloud provider Amazon Web Services, are spread across these cities.

Youll find most of the Australian roles (254) in Sydney. They range from business and merchant development to account management, but operations, IT and support engineering employees are in greatest demand (60 roles).

Fifty-five Amazon jobs are in Melbourne, with 25 of the roles seeking solutions architects, where candidates will need experience in data and cloud computing.

There are 21 positions open in Brisbane, with more than half of them advertising for solutions architects.

Amazon founder Jeff Bezos is bullish about India and has flagged many areas of growth there.

He visited the country in mid-January and sat with the country head of Amazon India for a fireside chat in front of a summit of small- and medium-sized businesses.

During it, he made a prediction.

I predict that the 21st-century is going to be the Indian century, Bezos said.

The dynamism, energy everywhere I go here, people are interested in self-improvement, growth. This country has something special. This is going to be the Indian century.

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Amazon is hiring 36,000 people: Heres what and where the jobs are - Yahoo Finance Australia

Ending something is hard. Its one thing to chart an early course, but having a firm enough grasp on the wheel to steer the ship into a final harbor takes a special skill. With that in mind, the series finales of The Good Place and BoJack Horseman feel like small miracles. While each show had its minor stumbles, both managed to stick the landing in a very important way: They felt earned and they felt right. Weve gotten to know these characters over the years, and the way that their arcs were wrapped up felt natural. A little sad, yes, but fitting. It is becoming increasingly common for out-of-character behavior to serve plot points in the name of surprise and being subversive, but writers and showrunners should look to these two finales as a gold standard in character arcs and storytelling.

The Good Place has had a bold message since Episode 1: People are at the very least trying to be good. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule, but The Good Place argued that when given the right tools and the right environment, people will usually bend towards self-improvement. In lesser hands, this could have ended up being a maudlin mess of platitudes. However, The Good Place usually found the balance somewhere in the dot over the "i" in Jeremy Bearimy.

Warning: Spoilers within for the series finales ofThe Good PlaceandBoJack Horseman.

With something as high concept as The Good Place, it made sense that it ran out of steam for a lot of the final season. Separating Chidi from the core group felt like a misstep and a few of the fixes on their quest to make the Good Place more accessible were a little too convenient. That being said, the way that the show handled where the main characters ended up was pretty flawless and showed what they had learned. Truly, the real Good Place genuinely was the friendsthey made along the way. The Good Place wasnt even the final stop for this crew, who realized that an endless lifetime (deathtime?) in paradise wasnt paradise at all. The undercurrent of sadness that all things must eventually end is what makes things so wonderful while theyre happening, so they fixed the fatal flaw of their version of heaven by giving you the option to leave when youre ready. Whats beyond the Good Place isnt clear, but how each character rises up to meet that beyond is a triumph.

For Michael and Janet, they got to taste the humanity that had always been out of reach for them. Our favorite former demon got to go to earth as an actual man and live out the banal but wonderful mortalityhe had always craved. Janet, the best not-a-girl that anyone could ask for, got to feel feelings (her weird romance with Jason was sweet to the end) while also ensuring that humanity would get their best shot at making it to the best possible version of the afterlife. Considering that their stories began with them working for the Bad Place, this is a rather remarkable end.

The four humans from the original experiment also ended exactly as they should have, but in rather unexpected ways. Jason is the obvious choice for being the first to choose to leave the Good Place and rejoin the universe beyond, with his short attention span and often short-sighted goals. However, he wants to see Janet one last time, so he ends up waiting around in the final forest by the doorway to whatever is beyond the Good Place for a literal age, just being quiet like the monk he once pretended to be. For Tahani, she reconciles with her parents and finds true purpose as a neighborhood architect, two things that eluded her on Earth. Chidi finds love with Eleanor and finally learns how to be decisive after ruining his mortal life with his inability to make even the simplest choice. He knows when its time to leave, and thats when he finds the time to read Dan Brown. Hes lived a thousand good lifetimes with Eleanor, and he is truly content.

While The Good Place is definitely an ensemble, Eleanor has always been at the center of it, so it makes sense that she is the last to leave and the one who has the hardest time saying goodbye. A self-proclaimed Arizona trash bag, Eleanor is a perfect example of being a product of your environment, which makes her desire to change and improve even more powerful. Eleanor was a self-interested loner as a human, but she was given the chance to save herself through education and relationships. Everyone has different types of companionship that theyre looking for, but no one is meant to be truly alone. Eleanor may have talked herself into believing that she preferred things that way, but when she realizes what the alternative is, she decides that trying is worth it. That being unselfish is worth it. When she makes the leap into the unknown, she has loved well and been loved well, and who could hope for more? There were no easy answers at the end of The Good Place, but everyone got where they needed and deserved to be.

BoJack Horseman, while quite a bit darker than a sunny supernatural sitcom, has a similar ethos: Its worth it to try. Yes, you will fail, because of your own flaws and because the sh*t the world hurls at you, but you can still do the right thing. The right thing doesnt always (and doesnt usually) mean the happiest outcome and can even bring boatloads of pain, but that doesnt make it less worthwhile. The arcs in BoJack are a little less tidy than The Good Place, but it was always that kind of show. We see Diane find out who she really is through a lot of self-reflection and self-loathing, but the woman at the end of the series has found a little peace. She may not be the serious writer that she set out to be, but adolescent mystery novels have value too, and Diane knows that now. Princess Carolyn has always felt the pullbetween building a career and having a family, and in the end, she gets both. Its certainly more complicated and exhausting than she anticipated, but she makes it work. And Todd, sweet Todd, lets go of his familial expectations and accepts that not everyones version of success in relationships and career ambition is the same. Hell always be a little offbeat, and thats fine.

And then theres BoJack. BoJack is a complicated figure because, while he is our protagonist and therefore someone whose success we somewhat root for, he has done awful things. Awful things. This isnt a morally gray anti-hero who ultimately does the right thing when the stakes are highest. At his core, hes a malignant narcissist who preys on vulnerable women and for years refuses to accept consequences. BoJack tries, BoJack fails, BoJack pays lip service to change, rinse, repeat.

In the penultimate episode of the series, BoJack is drowning in his old swimming pool after breaking in and ODing. His seemingly dying mind is coping with the trauma by having a macabre dinner and show with the significant people in his life who have died, leading viewers to think that BoJacks end really will be in the ground. But that would have been an easy out for the character. In death, BoJack never would have actually faced consequences for his actions. Serving time for the B&E (but really for... a lot of things) is the only way it could have ended for him.

While hes on leave from prison to attend Princess Carolyns wedding, BoJack tells Todd that hes worried about relapsing after he leaves the confined routine of jail. Todd tells him, both matter-of-factly and with compassion, Then youll get sober again. The point of Bojack Horseman is the inevitability of falling short. But that doesnt mean you shouldnt try. Consequences will come the likelihood of Bojack reconciling with Hollyhock is slim and his relationships with Todd and Diane will never be as close as they once were but thats life. You can still strive towards being a better you.

There are certain deals that creators make with their consumers, and maybe the most important one is satisfaction if they stick around. This doesnt mean that everyone gets a fairytale ending or fan-service is delivered at every turn. Giving the fans exactly what they seem to want is oftentimes the wrong answer. But a character arc that makes narrative sense in the universe of the story is one of the greatest things that media can deliver. It doesnt have to be happy, it just needs to feel true.

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The Good Place, BoJack Horseman, and the perfect character arc - SYFY WIRE

The following contains spoilers for The Good Place series finale and Black Mirror's "San Junipero."

After four years (plus over 800 reboots and close to 3,000 Jeremy Bearimys) of fine-tuning the cosmic system to save humanity's souls, The Good Places series finale Whenever Youre Ready confronted the unavoidable truth that even eternity needs an ending.

The devastating, occasionally hilarious, ultimately hopeful hour-plus finale closes the loop on a conversation begun almost four years earliernot by its own series premiere, but by San Junipero. Black Mirrors digital afterlife episode was a tone departure for the dystopian series, trading in bleak humor for an actually uplifting tale of two elderly queer women who find each other, and a second chance at their earthly lives, in the cloud. Striking on its own, the one-hour mini-film resonates even more when considered in the context of Eleanor Shellstrop and the Soul Squads ethical journeys.

Because in order to get to The Good Places incredible final question of whether to go, first we had to ponder whether to stay.

Fascinatingly, both series premiered in fall 2016, shortly before the election that would lead a large part of the population to conclude that we were living in the Bad Place. Thats not counting the people who, pre-election, already regarded our present as akin to the Sunken Place in Jordan Peeles Get Out. Clearly in the middle of the decade there was enough disquiet to inspire stories considering what, if anything, was waiting for us after our time on Earth is over.

While San Junipero technically dropped on Netflix (October 21) after The Good Places series premiere (September 19), for the purposes of this nature it serves as the beginning of the conversation due to its standalone nature. While Schurs series had four years to reinvent itself over and over (with an endpoint deliberately chosen after the twisty second season), Charlie Brookers episode must make its point in just one hour.

San Junipero is a story of selfishnessbut the kind thats deserved, thats earned. The beach party town that the artificial reality manifests as is endless revelry, whose citizens and tourists can return to their favorite decades and idealized ages for a double dose of nostalgia. There are no consequences in San Junipero, so strangers can hook up or go for deadly joyrides that wont leave a scratch on them, between keeping pain-sliders at zero and the inability to die. Most of them already have shuffled off the mortal coiland most of the visitors on the trial run are considering doing the same, outside of the cloud. This alternate realitynot parallel, but a continuationis the quintessential reward for making it through a mortal lifespan. Every inhabitant thinks, I deserve this.

None moreso than Kelly (Gugu Mbatha-Raw) and Yorkie (Mackenzie Davis), who meet on a random night in 1987, and then for several weeks after, dancing through movie-set versions of the 1980s, 1990s, and 2000s. While they go to beda first for the sheltered Yorkieand reveal pieces of themselves in those intimate moments in Kellys beach house, its not until they meet outside of San Junipero that each of their motivations for visiting becomes clearer.

read more: Ranking Every Black Mirror Episode

Yorkie is quadriplegic following a car accident that occurred the night she came out to her unsupportive parents. Not only her affair with Kelly, but her entire exposure to San Junipero, is moving through the world in a way that seemingly had been stolen from her. But tied as her accident was to the trauma of her parents turning on her for who she is, the fact that she has connected with this vibrant, assertive, giving woman is more than Yorkie could ever have dreamed of. She sees nothing but opportunity in their future together, finally getting a chance at the life she always deserved after decades of suffering.

But where Yorkie sees nothing but newness through glasses she no longer needs, Kelly is reminded of the long and beautiful, if so bittersweet, lifetime that she has already experienced. Falling in love again is exhausting, because she knows what kinds of misfortune strains a partnership. Yorkie wants to shrug off their past selves, but for Kelly to do so would be offensive to the memory of her husbanda man she married not as a means to an end, like Yorkie with her nurse Greg or like so many closeted queer women, but because she genuinely loved him. She was just one version of herself with him, and now, in San Junipero, she can be another version of herself.

Working through this newfound access requires both women to turn inward, which is where their early conflict arises when Kelly tries to, well, ghost Yorkie. You hid from me, the latter accuses when she tracks her down in 2002. Kelly shoots back: One: I did not. Two: I owe you zero, and three See point two!

Its not about who owes who, its about manners, Yorkie insists, going on to say, You dont know who I am. You dont know what this means.

This means fun, Kelly retorts. Or it should do. And this. This is not fun.

Selfishness means different things for each of them. Kelly thinks that San Junipero is a last hurrah before her body gives up the ghost, the chance to act on her unresolved attraction to women in a safe, consequence-free space. She doesnt account for finding someone so fucking inconvenient as Yorkie, someone who would tap into a store of feelings that she was certain she had exhausted through her marriage to Richard. Richard, who didnt even trial-run San Junipero because their daughter Allison didnt have the chance to pass over, so why would he want to live even longer without her presence?

read more - Black Mirror: Celebrating the Most Uplifting Episodes

The greatest dilemma of San Junipero is saying yes to this extension. After Kelly marries Yorkie so she can be euthanized, but still maintains that she doesnt plan to become a full-timer after her own eventual death, Yorkie pushes her about not even trying: Then youll be gone, just gone. You could have forever.

Forever, Kelly scoffs, who can even make sense of forever

However long you want, then, Yorkie says, you can remove yourself like that and snaps her fingers. Despite it being an emotional exchange, its a throwaway bit of worldbuilding: Even the full-timers in San Junipero have an out. The actual hurdle to get over is whether to accept that second chance.

Yorkie unequivocally is ready to reclaim her old body and all of the rites of passage she missed out on; its selfish only insofar as she is prioritizing her own hopes and dreams after a lifetime of not doing so. But Kelly is allowed to be selfish, too. Choosing San Junipero doesnt erase her mortal life, as it does for Yorkie. Its excavating the part of her that she pushed down in favor of one life, to try again, but differently this time. To ready herself for, as Kelly says with a mix of tremulous eagerness and bone-deep exhaustion, the rest of it. San Junipero is about what we owe to ourselves.

But, as The Good Place has taught us, thats not the whole story. From the moment that architect Michael (Ted Danson) informs Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell) that she is in your next phase of existence in the universe and that that next phase is in celebration of a moral life she emphatically did not lead, she could have kept her mouth shut. Eleanor, bi icon and patron saint of selfishness, could have sauntered through eternity enjoying someone elses just rewards.

But instead she confides in her supposed soulmate, Chidi Anagonye (William Jackson Harper), and begs his help in molding her into a better person. Initially, their guiding force is ethicist T.M. Scanlons book What We Owe to Each Other and its notion of contractualism: to act morally is to follow rules that no one could reasonably reject. Or, to put it into Arizona trashbag terms, for Eleanor to actually keep her promises. Whereas her time on Earth saw Eleanor regularly pledging to be reliable to people and then letting them down in favor of her own self-interestsestablishing rules that would easily be rejected because of how they benefit her aloneher goal in the afterlife is to become the type of person who honors what she owes to others.

To be fair, Eleanor and co. get a lot of chances to fine-tune their increasingly moral selves. This obsession with self-improvement is not surprising, considering that Eleanor, Chidi, Jason (Manny Jacinto), and Tahani (Jameela Jamil) all see their mortal lives cut short. Even if they werent objectively good people who were making the most of their time on Earth, they had a lot of time left before their respective freak accidents. They arent Yorkie and Kelly, who made it into their sixties and seventies and got to choose when they were ready to stop living.

Yes, there are larger external stakes, from the fate of Michaels neighborhood to the threat of the Bad Place taking over to the exasperated Judge (Maya Rudolph) eventually deciding to just scrap this whole humankind experiment and start over. But underlying all of that is the existential anxiety and panic of a foursome of young people who had absolutely no say in how this phase of their lives ended. Of course they would be eager to shape their fates in the afterlife. And theyre not alone: both the Good Place and San Junipero are manmade constructions, in whole or in part, reflecting a unanimous anxiety over what awaits us in the unknown and a need for as much control as possible regarding that next phase.

While this takes hundreds of reboots, an equal number of manic chalkboard scrawlings from the philosopher-turned-teacher, and nigh-infinite piles of books that it takes Eleanor literally eternity to finish reading, The Good Places moral thesis ultimately boils down to something pretty clear and straightforward, as Schur summed up for Vox in 2019: [do] something a little more, a little better, a little differently.

Thats Kelly marrying Yorkie so that she can sign off on Yorkies right to end her life. Thats Yorkie seeing eternity through someone elses eyes. Its also Michael realizing that he has come to care for the cockroaches and that he wants happiness for them. Its Chidi accepting eight hundred different versions of himself and, rather than being torn apart by so much contradiction, finding a sense of peace at having lived every possible scenario he used to agonize over. Its Eleanor actually working on a healthy, functional relationship, and then being willing to give it up when it benefits the greater good.

By the time that this new and different Eleanor demonstrates true moments of selfishness, these impulse are entirely relatable, affecting, and arguably owed to her after all she has done for the global redemption of billions of souls. Except that both cases involve her relationship with Chidi coming to some sort of end: first when he volunteers to have his memory reset for their big Good Place experiment; and then when he is ready to walk through the door.

read more: Russian Doll, The Good Place, And How Fun TV Got Dark and Insightful

Not whether or not he wants to go to the Good Place, because unlike Kelly and Yorkie, Eleanor and her beloved friends never have to question that destination. Its what their every experimentoutsmarting the Bad Places sabotage, getting reincarnated on Earth, repurposing Michaels old neighborhood to run their own simulations, overhauling the entire impossible, outdated systemhas been working toward. Their reward for saving humanity is sailing into the Good Place long overdue.

And then paradise lets them down.

The ultimate secret of the Good Place, the real one, is that at some point eternity becomes boring. Not just boring, but actually mind-numbing. Its the extrapolation of spending hundreds of Bearimys in San Junipero. Those full-timers who feel like its getting old do have the option to crank up the ol pain-slider and get whipped in the Quagmire, but even that loses its appeal after a while. Eternity in the Good Place makes all of its inhabitants worse peoplenot morally, but lesser than the thoughtful, intelligent, courageous, good people who earned their way in.

And so Eleanor and Michael come up with the doorthe final door.

What makes "Whenever You're Ready" so gutting is that each person has their own timeline for being ready to step through the door. After years of doing everything mostly in sync, Team Cockroach gets broken up again into their individual components, each with a different relationship to nirvana. Who can even make sense of forever? Which means that when one of them, starting with Jason, approaches the calm and peace of giving up stability for the unknown beyond, there is still a loss. There are still those left behind.

It makes sense that Chidi would reach closure before Eleanor: an exceptional thing for a man who for most of his mortal life and afterlife was plagued with endless anxiety over what could be. At first her knee-jerk reaction, to drag him through his every treasured memory to show him what hes willingly giving up, is cringing in how it resurrects the old Eleanor. In this case her intentions are good but still selfish. She is Yorkie, staring at the glittering expanse of San Junipero and demanding to understand how anyone could have had enough.

Like Kelly scolds Yorkie for not considering the perspective of someone who lived a full life, Chidi gently lets Eleanor down with the further revelation that he has been ready for a long time. He stayed longer for her sake, knowing how difficult it would be for her once he stepped out of her (after)life. They had never made promises to not go through the door, but he put off his own ultimate contentment in favor of prolonging her happiness.

And so Eleanor has no choice but to recognize what he owes to her, and what she owes him in return. I proposed a rule, she says, that Chidi shouldnt be allowed to leave, because it would make Eleanor sad. And I could do this foreverzip you around the universe, show you cool stuffand Id still never find the justification for getting you to stay. Because its a selfish rule. I owe it to you to let you go.

When they met, Yorkie and Kelly were still figuring out what they owed themselves after lives that were varyingly unfulfilled. Their selfishness in San Junipero is a celebration, a first step that The Good Place turns into an elaborate dance. And while Eleanors journey, as of that of her friends, concludes with accepting and even welcoming the not-knowing, the audience gets their own closure of finding out what happens when you step through the door: you return to the universe, as one small particle that in its own infinitesimal way influences good deeds. Its a characteristically understated narrative choice that reiterates Schurs point: do something a little more, a little better, a little differently.

Just like Eleanor and Chidi dissolving back into the universe, or Kelly and Yorkie eternally dancing at TCKR Industries, these types of stories are far from over and will continue to influence their successors. To wit, Schurs Parks and Recreation co-creator Greg Daniels has his own afterlife web series premiering in 2020: Upload, described by The Hollywood Reporter as a sci-fi romantic satire set in a virtual afterlife.

The series sounds as if it will hew closer to romantic comedy, pulling the we-would-never-have-met-except-here romance from San Junipero and tapping into the kind of comedy that characterized the first season of The Good Place. It seems less likely that Upload will neither go deep into morality, nor that it will build up to a series finale that will leave audiences audibly sobbing on the couch with their best friends. But we already got those stories, exquisite on their own and even more resonant with one another; theres plenty of room in eternity for another take.

Let Natalie Zutter tell you, the double whammy of Chidi leaving Eleanor and then those credits set to Heaven is a Place on Earth used up all of her tears for weeks. Ponder whats next for afterlife-centric series with her on Twitter @nataliezutter.

Continue reading here:
The Good Place, San Junipero, and the Ethics of Love - Den of Geek US

Main image: Scott Morrison and Liberal MP Sarah Henderson play lawn bowls at Torquay bowls club during the election campaign. Photograph: Ryan Pierse/Getty Images

Good morning, this is Richard Parkin bringing you the main stories and must-reads on Friday 7 February.

The federal government spent an additional $150m on community sport infrastructure outside its controversial sport grant scheme, with the Department of Health confirming that the money was committed in the lead-up to the 2019 election campaign, and administrated under the female facilities and water safety stream program. Forty-one projects secured funding, including a grant of $25m for a new pool in the marginal Western Australian seat of the attorney general, Christian Porter, and other marginal electorates including Corangamite, Swan and Gilmore also scored. An inquiry into the original $100m community sport infrastructure program, which was overseen by Bridget McKenzie, has been announced by the Senate.

Donald Trump has been acquitted of abusing his power and obstructing Congress, bringing the impeachment process to a close. Mitt Romney crossed the aisle and became the first senator in history to vote to remove a president from his own party in an impeachment trial, but the vote was carried otherwise along party lines 52-48 and 53-47 on the respective charges. Trump immediately went on the offensive on Friday morning, calling the process evil saying it had been drummed up by dirty cops, leakers and liars. The international press has been scathing in its reaction, with Frances Libration calling the impeachment process a hollow pretence of justice. Meanwhile in the Democratic primaries, Bernie Sanders has claimed a strong victory in the Iowa caucuses, even though he is trailing Pete Buttigieg in the first voting state.

A Chinese doctor who was among the first to raise concerns about the spread of the coronavirus is critically ill, after becoming infected treating early cases of the then undiagnosed respiratory infection. Le Wenliang, 34, was accused by authorities of making false comments and spreading rumours after posting a warning on social media in late December about a cluster of cases of a flu-like disease at his hospital. The official death toll has risen to 563, with more than 28,000 reported cases. The World Health Organization has called for $675m to stop the outbreak, cautioning that the bill will be much larger if we do not invest in preparedness now.

Public health officials have fought back tears at an emotional parliamentary hearing in NSW, urging the state government to drop proposed laws that aim to curtail planning authorities ability to block projects based on their climate emissions.

A 44-year-old Australian national and two Chinese have been stabbed in the Maldives, in an attack claimed by Islamic State sympathisers. Three people have been arrested.

The incoming chancellor of the Australian National University, Julie Bishop, has counselled the federal government to lead the world on climate despite missteps, offering the evidence-based work of her universitys 300-plus climate scientists and disaster management experts to inform any bushfires response.

Labor has asked the Australian Electoral Commission to investigate why the Liberal party declared and then removed a $165,000 donation from the company of a Scott Morrison ally and key bidder for a $1bn government contract.

A tiny piece of fashioned glass discovered on Lindisfarne is being hailed as a rare archeological treasure, linking the Northumbrian island with the Vikings around the time of the AD793 raids that heralded three centuries of destruction and occupation.

Protected Indigenous lands could be subject to commercial mining under a controversial new bill from Brazils President Jair Bolsonaro. The far-right leader has long alleged that Indigenous land ownership has held back economic development.

The FBI has warned that Chinese theft of corporate intellectual property constitutes the biggest law enforcement threat to the US, with one agency director alleging trade secrets worth $300bn to $600bn a year are being stolen.

Christina Koch has returned to Earth after 328 days aboard the International Space Station, hoping her protracted mission can help promote gender equity within a traditionally male-dominated field.

With the election of a new leader, Adam Bandt, for the first time in the Australian Greens history, its leader will sit in the House of Representatives, not the Senate. Being more directly accountable to your constituents requires a lot more listening, the former industrial lawyer tells Katharine Murphy, with Bandt emphasising the need to marry the science and moral imperatives of climate change with a credible story of economic transformation that doesnt leave workers in industries like coal behind. Starting with his policy centrepiece, a Green New Deal, Bandt outlines his desire for a government-led plan of investment and action to build a clean economy and a caring society.

New years resolutions notoriously dont stick. And so 30-odd days into the fresh year, youre forced once again to contemplate your inadequacies. Maybe its because humans are essentially lazy creatures of habit, writes Brigid Delaney. But could a little bit more stick help the carrot of self-improvement? Our intrepid columnist roadtests six scenarios.

No pain, no gain an oft-quoted maxim in sport, but perhaps equally fitting for fashion, especially when it comes to womens lingerie. But is there a movement to reject the wire and extra padding in bras that prioritise the external gaze rather than the internal feel? There is a new way of thinking about what sexy is today, and its very much about being comfortable in your own skin, one Brisbane lingerie designer says.

Theyre the characters that make us fall in love with TV shows so why do writers keep killing them off? Continuing Guardian Australias focus on unforgettable moments in Australian TV, on this episode of Full Story, Laura Murphy-Oates discusses with our culture editor, Steph Harmon, why fictional deaths move us so much.

Sorry your browser does not support audio - but you can download here and listen https://audio.guim.co.uk/2020/02/06-41230-FS_TV.mp3

In football the names Messi and Barcelona have become almost synonymous. But could the Blaugranas greatest be set for a shock exit? Former coach Pep Guardiolas presence at Manchester City makes the English club a likely suitor, after a situation that, as Sid Lowe explains, grows more untenable by the week.

And, it wouldnt be Friday without David Squires on ... an easy start to life for the FFAs new chief executive.

Barnaby Joyce has warned Scott Morrison that a rebel group within the Nationals could block Coalition legislation as payback for leader Michael McCormacks failure to promote any of Joyces supporters, the Australian is reporting. The coronavirus has stopped a Hong Kong-based company from taking out an $880m share in James Packers Crown Resorts, claims the Financial Review, due to a predicted downturn in Asian tourism. And almost 50% of children under the age of two are in regular childcare, writes the West Australian, citing an increase on economic pressures that has parents returning to work at an earlier stage.

The Matildas Olympic qualifying tournament gets under way in Campbelltown tonight. Follow the clash against Taiwan with our live blog from 7pm AEDT.

If you would like to receive the Guardian Australia morning mail to your email inbox every weekday, sign up here.

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Morning mail: $150m more in sports grants, Trump hits back, Viking treasure - The Guardian

Saturday February 8 2020

Girl power. Left to right: Florence Nambooze Bbale, Faith E Nabagala, Grace Linda, Doreen Nyiramugisha, Belinda Namutebi, MC of the evening, and Flavia Tumusiime at the Spice and Sizzle event late last year. The all-women event held at the Kampala Serena Hotel last year. PHOTO BY JOAN SALMON

Women affairs: Everyone, especially woman, deserves a mentor or someone to hold their hand and help them reach their goals. That was what Faith G Nabagala of Gala Images had in mind when she came up with the Spice and Sizzle event late last year. The all-women event held at the Kampala Serena Hotel, late last year, was the first of many and it had panellists from various walks of life. Some of them talked to Joan Salmon about their careers and what has enabled them reach where they are.

Flavia Tumusiime, TV news anchor, actress, and radio presenter She says what has enabled success to smile at her is hard work and consistent planning. My career started in 2002 on TV and five years later, I started to plan how my future would be and worked towards it, she says. Unlike many, Tumusiime says the start was easy for her. I was young and had time to learn from my mistakes and correct them. Besides that, social media was barely there so you could concentrate on your work much better.

Even before the era of social media, failure was not uncommon, but Tumusiime has practiced useful habits over the years to help her succeed and remain relevant. One such habit is hard work. This has been key because I give all my roles my absolute best no matter how I feel or the work environment. The other is because it sets the standard of how I work with people and how they perceive me when they want to work with me.

Tumusiime believes that despite the hurdles in ones career or business paths, women ought to succeed but that can only happen when they stop looking at success as a woman or man thing. If you can assume the field is levelled, then it will be. Do not walk into an opportunity thinking you are less because you are a woman, she advises. Believe in yourself because you are your first cheerleader and it is important that when you fail, you pick up yourself and do and be your best, she adds.

Grace Linda, counsellor Linda is passionate about people and is happy that she did not get higher up as a lone ranger. I am grateful to God that I grew up in a Christian family with several parenting voices, including from aunts, uncles and mother. While she says she is not yet there, she makes it a point each day to impact and be impacted.

Even when someone comes for a counselling session, I tell them: Even though I do not know it all, I promise to walk with you and be part of the solution-finding mission. I also ensure to learn from my clients experience so that I can be better when another person with a similar situation seeks my help, she adds. This passionate cheerleader also needs people to cheer her on and never takes anyone for granted.

Even after a talk session, I just do not walk away but wait in case anyone wants to talk to me. I am certain that if they took time to listen to me, so should I. I also keep in touch with my clients. Linda believes any good relationship starts with people loving themselves and in retrospect giving time to themselves. The relationships you build will only attract people that are drawn to the you they see.

It is only out of the abundance of love that you have for yourself that you will love others, she says. Even when a woman gets into relationship with any man, Linda advises that the women should ensure these fundamentals are taken care of. If he cannot share with you about their family, neither proud of who they are, despite their sorry state, say being an orphan, then he is not good enough for you. That is because when you do not know about their inner fabric, you are certain of joining the same complicated cycle. Besides that, he is not willing to bring you into their space, she cautions.

Linda also says when a man has no spiritual leaning, say as Catholic, Anglican, or Muslim, then it is a red light because without a tie to any spiritual power, they will fall for anything. Besides that, there are morals we learn from our faiths that this person will supposedly not have, such as respect for humanity. On finances, Linda says openness about ones finances is important. If your partner cannot be free enough to tell you, say: I am in between jobs, then they are not ready to relate with you. The man should also be willing to share how much they earn and how they spend it. Even when they are not willing to spend money on you, you ought to know.

Faith E. Nabaggala, an image, etiquette and brand consultant at Gala Image Consulting. Nabaggala believes that the first impression matters and works with her clients to better their image. She is also the founder of The Womens Getaway and Spice & Sizzle; two events meant to inspire and celebrate womanhood. Nabaggala has worked with several people and organisations, but to get to where she is now, she says: It has all been by Gods grace and still is because each day is a revelation of my purpose and what the future holds. My amazing family and friends have also been my backbone. She also attests that she has been blessed to study in good schools, as well as invest in her career through attending various trainings. The more I study and do research, the wider the possibilities of my career become, she says.

Besides family, there have been several people who have held my hand along this journey. You cannot make it without the help of others. But Nabaggala is also passionate about what she does: Whether I am speaking to children, training at a big organisation or encouraging women to become the best of themselves, I give it my all. But she corroborates that inasmuch as the start was exciting, full of passion and self-discovery, it was not easy. It was tough, with lots of disappointments but the amazing highs made the struggle worth it, she reveals.

To ensure she makes it, Nabaggala has adopted habits such as prayer, having me time to help her focus, celebrate her efforts, as well as do self-assessment. But making it to the top is one thing and staying there is another and that has taken self-improvement through investing in her career and trying to learn something new all the time. She believes that women ought to succeed but is also well aware that nothing comes on a silver platter. Besides, Nabaggala urges women not to give up on their dreams, stay positive, work at learning from others, understand that setbacks will come but only make you stronger, and remember that success is not defined by money.

Florence Nambooze Bbale, surveyor Nambooze had not purposed to walk this path, but rather be an electrical engineer. I missed my first choice course by a mere 0.9 points, hence finding myself in the land surveying class at Makerere University. I did not know much about the land surveying course but settled for it. After graduation, Nambooze worked on an electric pipeline project, which unfortunately ended only six months later. She later worked in a gold mine, deep in Mubende District. I kept the application a secret until I had been offered the job and on learning about my new work station, my father said: Flo, by the time you come back, civilisation would have left you.

Determined, she packed her bags for the unknown where she worked for a year until her appointment at Buganda Land Board, where she has been for the past nine years. She says one of the habits that have helped her keep relevant is taking action. When I set myself to do something, I organise, plan, prioritise and go for it. She also keeps a positive attitude and is always optimistic. Everything happens for a reason, so I look at the sunny side of life because I know in the long run, most things take care of themselves. Nambooze also believes in building networks by exchanging ideas with others, as well as collaboration with people in and outside her field. She advises fellow women, whether in private practice or having a career that in order to succeed, they ought to get a business sense by recognising entrepreneurship opportunities in every situation.

She also urges them to take risks, because she believes taking a good look at the pros and cons, a calculated risk may be in order. Besides, she advises: Networking functions and opportunities are so important in developing contacts that can help you in your business or career. You also need to keep educating yourself because you are never too old. So, sign up for courses or seminars relevant to your career or business. Pick up new skills, even on Google. That said, Nambooze calls on women to believe in themselves and have a plan because no matter how crazy your idea may seem, believing in your own success is integral to achieving it.

Doreen Nyiramugisha, wellness coach Nyiramugisha believes she is only where she is because she discovered what she loves. The passion keeps me growing, she says. Nyiramugisha shares that fortunately for her, she has only had to work from a place of passion. I was a radio host, while also running a decor company. Briefly, I also worked as a TV host. Later, I had planned to venture into nutrition because I loved good healthy food. All this prepared me for the wellness coach that I am now, she says. That said, the start was very unpredictable, and the environment was different as I approached wellness from a sex, sexual health and hormonal imbalances angle in a country and culture that abhors and shies away from sexual awareness conversations. But past experience in business taught me never to give up, carefully respecting my very loud instincts, Nyiramugisha says.

She appreciates that success is a child of great habits. You cannot deliver to others when you are under the weather. It goes without saying that you must be at your best to give others your best, Nyiramugisha advises. She says she has mastered her peaks and lows. Getting to know my high and low times enables me to act accordingly. I also set boundaries and mental blocks for well-being because if I allow everything into my life, stress is bound to take over. Nyiramugisha also constantly yearns for more, well aware that you cannot get what you do not desire. She also sets challenges and goals and sticks to them. People cannot take you seriously if you have no targets. But more to that, they will never take you seriously if you promise and never fulfil, she warns.

See the article here:
Women join hands to lift up each other - Daily Monitor

InIts Okay,we defend our most embarrassing, unpopular opinions.

I should call my grandmothers. Ill do it Wednesday, I swear. I should call my oldest friend, weve really only emailed here and there in the past year. We should have a good catch up. Oh god, has she already had the baby? Shit! Let me make a calendar reminder so I dont forget. I should call my dad; Ive only talked to my mom the last few times Ive called home. Ill do that this week. I have time Wednesday. Shit when will I call the grandmothers, then? Oh, damn it, I meant to call C. last night to check in when we texted a couple of weeks ago, they were having trouble

Some variation of this internal monologue runs through my head almost constantly, the only alteration found in the names of the individuals Im failing by not keeping regularly abreast of their lives. The guilt though that stays the same regardless.

Im bad at keeping in touch, clearly. But thats okay?

It doesnt feel okay. It feels shitty. Every time I forget to call someone it feels like a choice, like Ive prioritized something else that is more important to me than the people I care about work, TV, zombie scrolling on my phone, chores, exercise. Sometimes, when I do remember, its a matter of energy Ill call them when Ill be more upbeat, I think. But when enough weeks go by, and my good intentions never manifest into reaching out, it starts to feel like a series of excuses.

Excuses they may be but such excuses may also be inescapable. We simply cant be in touch as closely as we desire with everyone we might desire to be closely in touch with. According to an anthropologist and psychologist from the University of Oxford, Robin Dunbar, theres a limit to how much effort we can put into maintaining relationships.

Working from an anthropological theory that suggests a link between brain size and size of an individuals social network, Dunbar conducted brain scans of humans and came up with a predicted number of possible social connections. He then conducted experiments, historical reviews, and surveys, all of which seemed to validate it. The result Dunbars number concludes that the average individual can only maintain a social group of 150. Its an average, so more outgoing, social people might have as many 200, while others might have closer to 100, reported Maria Konnikova for The New Yorker in 2014.

Further analysis led Dunbar to develop the rule of three, which defines increasingly inner or outer circles. From this social group of 150, the average person will have roughly 50-some close friends with whom they socialize with any kind of regularity, and about 15 intimates in whom they confide. On average, only five people form our closest support network: our ride-or-dies, our emergency contacts, our trusted advisors who often double as our family members.

Meanwhile, casual acquaintances can extend up to around 500, and people whose names and faces we can match tops out around three times more than that, at 1,500 (or fewer, if youre anything like me).

The thing is, the amount of social capital you have is pretty fixed, Dunbar told Konnikova. It involves time investment. If you garner connections with more people, you end up distributing your fixed amount of social capital more thinly so the average capital per person is lower.

Which means the fact that I can only stay on top of the intimate details of only a handful of peoples lives is totally okay.

So why cant I shake the guilt?

First, women are more prone to feeling guilt than men; and for women, guilty feelings are a predictor of helping behavior and empathy. Researchers offer a lot of theories as to why that is, but most boil down to variations on the following theme: girls are conditioned far more than boys to be more caring, more aware of how their behavior affects others well-being, to prioritize maintaining relationships. If we think of keeping in touch with friends and family members as knowing with regularity the events and emotions of their lives, its easy to see how that translates into a tacit and peculiarly gendered pressure.

Related on The Swaddle:

That pressure can translate into a type of reward, for women, when theyre successful at keeping in touch like the woman who told Harpers Bazaar, in a 2019 exploration of emotional labor, that she enables her divorced brothers emotional dependency in part to feel important. I, too, in part, feel a sense of success and importance in anothers life when I know enough about their up-to-date experiences to provide emotional support. But the pressure can also translate into a type of character judgment when women fail. Being bad at keeping in touch with friends and family is something that feels like an intrinsic, personal flaw a prime area for self-improvement. Nearly every year, my New Years Resolution(s) include being better not doing better, note, but being better at keeping in touch with the people I love, many of whom live far away. And nearly every year, I feel like a failure in this realm as a result.

Compounding this is the fact that our definition of what it means to be good at keeping in touch has changed with the advent of social media and smartphones. The ability to constantly communicate in real-time with virtually anyone from any point in life adds a pressure that previous generations did not know. Thirty years ago, one expensive, long-distance call every couple of months to check in was the gold standard for friends and family who lived far away. There was no question of being in touch with them more regularly; it wasnt possible or affordable. We were okay not knowing the details and emotions of daily life because it was virtually impossible to do so.

This constant connection increases the pressure to keep in touch intimately and regularly for anyone, but particularly women, given social conditioning. Ironically, it also dilutes our efforts. Not only cant we be intimately in touch with everyone we want to be intimately in touch with, the more people we try to maintain close connections with, the more we fail them. As Konnikova reported, traditionally, weve devoted 60% of our social energy to our core group of people the circles of 50, 15 and five and 40% of our social energy to the friends and acquaintances beyond that. But as social media is enabling/demanding we stay up-to-date with more and more people, and our reserve of social capital stays static, were shortchanging our intimates as we spread our social energy ever more thinly; the division is now more like 40-60, reported Konnikova.

Whats reassuring, however, is that the people who make up these groups often change. At certain points well be closer to some people than others, and vice versa at others; friends become intimates, intimates become friends; acquaintances become friends and friends become acquaintances. We cant be all things at all times to all people who matter to us, but we can be some things sometimes to some people. For the rest, we can hold close good memories of support and well wishes, and hope for a future that brings us back in touch more closely, a freshening of friendship once again. Comfortingly, this leaves us with the knowledge that someone, very far away, is thinking of us and us of them. And thats okay.

But seriously, call your dad.

Continued here:
It's Okay: to Be Bad at Keeping in Touch - The Swaddle